I am smart. I went to a great undergrad and am getting my Masters.
I dress pretty well.
I have cool red hair.
I know how to read.
I can cook rice.
I speak four languages.
I regularly trim my nails.
I'm sophisticated because I put my napkin on my lap.
And so on and so forth... You get that idea.
But I am also insanely annoying and do have some few minor flaws. And because I am unashamed and have really no sense of pride, I have decided to share my lovely flaws with you. Enjoy!
1. I will take food off your plate but I will murder you and all your offspring if you even touch anything off of my plate.
I know. I am an awful person. I just hate when people stick their fork and grab something off my plate. I'm possessive and weird. I will gladly share anything off my delicious looking plate, but I will need to use MY fork to retrieve said item and then I will personally, hand deliver it to your plate. Got it?
2. On a related note, I always regret what I end up ordering and want to switch it.
As I am typing this, I am really beginning to appreciate the people in my life who put up with this shit.
But yes, it's true. I get plate envy and always will end up giving you puppy eyes until you change plates with me. I don't do this one with strangers, so consider yourself a dear friend if I make you switch plates with me or else I'll leak those photos I took of you passed out on the toilet.
3. I look up gross videos on YouTube and make you watch them.
I have a weird, disgusting habit of watching people popping pimples on YouTube. It's nasty and gross and yet, I do it. It's shameful. And if it's really nasty I am going to make you watch it and then discuss it with me.
I was going to include one here, but then I decided that was just mean. See, I am nice sometimes.
4. I need to sit in the center at the movie theatre.
I have a weird thing about movie theatres. I need to sit in the absolute center. And yes, I count rows to figure it out. Maybe I have OCD? Maybe I'm just obnoxious? It is a mystery.
5. I cry and demand consolation immediately.
If you see a tear forming or any sort of wetness in my eyes, console me godamnit! And yes, I cry at every movie we watch. And yes, I will sob whenever we go to see a Nicolas Sparks movie. And yes, I may ask you to leave the film to go and get me napkins to dry up the little puddle of tears but you will gladly go because 1) it's easier than dealing with me insanely sobbing in a movie theatre while complete strangers judge you and 2) you could use a break from the movie. Let's be real, it's a Nicolas Sparks movie. He had A Walk to Remember and The Notebook. Then it all went downhill.
6. I will trap you into saying something so that I can get upset about it and make you apologize profusely so that I feel better about myself.
Example: "Baby, do I look fat in this?"
"But don't you think it makes my stomach look big"
"So you think it looks good?"
"Even though it makes my stomach look big?"
"SO YOU THINK MY STOMACH LOOKS BIG?"
.... Silence followed by 10 minutes of you explaining how beautiful I am.
7. I will tell you all the ways you can die according to the latest CSI or Law & Order: SVU episode I saw
Oh, you invited me out for a party at a friend's house you met through your job? Sounds to me like it's a set up for him to savagely rape you and then saw your body into pieces and distribute said pieces all throughout Western Massachusetts. You want to explore that cool new bar downtown? Mmm yeah, that's just a front for a human trafficking Albanian mob and they will roofie you and put you in a shipping container bound for Yugoslavia.
I'm a buzzkill of the worst sort.
I was going to continue this list all the way up to 10 but then I realized how awful of a person I sound at number 7 so I will give you and myself a break. I hope you all feel horrible for liking my blog in the past now that you know a slightly psychotic, emotionally unstable and mildly insecure girl/woman is the one writing it. But hey, everyone has flaws.