30 August 2013

August Cara Box Reveal


This month I was paired up with the beautiful Sarah at Crazy Beautiful Life and I was super impressed when she managed to send me a box because she is getting married... in like a couple of weeks and is super mellow about it. Totally not a bridezilla and really sweet so go check her out! 

She knew that I have been in a recent make-up craze and she hooked me up with a ton of Mary Kay swag. If you're a long time lurker, you may remember that time I almost considered selling make-up to finance my lavish lifestyle... but yeah, then I realized I definitely do not have the social skills required to do that. I have already used up a primer and perfume sampler she sent me but some other goodies I got: 

She also sent me some gluten free pancake mix... But please pancake mix in my house will last like 17 minutes so that box is long gone BUT they were delicious! Sarah has gone gluten free and feels totally amazing now but I definitely do not have that kind of dedication. But who knows? The pancakes were delicious!

And this month I sent to Briana at Faithful Footprints so go check her out because I swear that girl is Superwoman! She is so inspirational and is the very definition of a hard worker! Good motivation for me when I decide I will sleep my entire day off and eat burritos in bed!

And everyone- have a great and safe weekend! Make sure to have lots of cuddles!

28 August 2013

The Big "D"

I have depression. 

I am not depressed because N SYNC broke up and I really feel like Justin has been an ass to the other boys and it kind of hurts me inside, I have depression. 

And it seems like when I drop that bomb of truth everyone is like "OHMYGOD no you're not depressed! You're so much fun!" and automatically assumes that people with depression just wear a lot of eyeliner, stays in their room all day and writes awful poetry. And are not super fun like me. 

For some reason or another mental illness has been seriously stigmatized in our society and I am totally guilty in that. I have struggled with depression my whole life and have been embarrassed and ashamed to have to admit I have this disease (why could I not just have chlamydia like all the other girls in school?!?). For a lot of people, depression was something that happened for 3-6 months after a loved one died and then you woke up one day and simply got over it. 

"What do I have to be depressed about?" I used to wonder, "I have great parents, an almost complete collection of Lisa Frank stickers and I have never been assaulted/molested/attempted murdered... Nada". 

Eventually I realized that I had a chemical inbalance and that shit needed to get fixed. There was no point in trying to solve it myself with some yoga and Ben & Jerry's- sometimes you just got suck it up and get some professional help. 

And I am not embarrassed or ashamed to admit it. 

Depression manifests itself in a myriad of ways. Yes, you can sad and dejected and lose interest in life. But you can also feel perfectly normal but have no energy to go out and smell the roses, to say. Which is why depression can sometimes be tricky to catch... Because you don't actually have to be sad to be depressed. 

Once I understood this, I finally "got" it. And with that understanding also came peace and just an attitude of "I'm over being bothered by this shit. I can't do anything about it. I am not going to apologize for it." And for me, I can't even say that "it sucks" because my depression doesn't suck. I have lived with it for a gazillion years and it has made me the person I am- which is basically a pessimistic, cynical bitch and I love that! I am an awful, horrible person and I am in love with myself- all parts included.

26 August 2013

That Time I Convinced My Roommate She Was Haunted

Today I have a story to tell.
And I am sharing it with you all knowing full well that it makes me look like a complete asshole and a horrible person that should probably never procreate or be deserving of any love or cuddles.
Back in 2009 I went to "study" (I am using this word very loosely) abroad in Tel Aviv, Israel. I had the most amazing roommates and we had a super cool, ultra modern apartment (a rarity in the city).
The apartment was set up like this: You walk in and enter the dining/kitchen area which was basically a small table, a fridge and a small counter with a sink, hotplate and microwave. You keep walking and get into the bathroom which has two separate bathrooms. One on the right and one on the left- each for two people.
Then, off the kitchen area were two large bedrooms. Each bedroom had it's own balcony that was not attached to the other. Here is a crappy picture I made in Paint to show the layout:

Got it?
Okay so let's meet the cast of characters involved:
On the left there is Jessie, I'm in the middle and on the right is Shawn.

Shawn is sweet and literally she is the nicest person you will meet in your life. She is kind, such a giving person and has an aura of sunshine and butterflies around her...

... She is the type of person who will dance- like a bird- in the streets of Jerusalem with you at 1 in the morning and never even think to judge you for it...
.... She plays card games with children....

... Which is why Jessie and I spent the entire semester torturing her and doing things like putting her in the corner and making her cry.
As if you needed more proof I am a horrible person.
So one night Jessie and I were bored and I had heard about this movie called Paranormal Activity. I had read about it was all the craze back in the States and saw it had an Israeli director so I was like "Jessie let's watch this scary movie and call it a cultural experience because some Israeli guy made it".
So we cuddled in bed and freaked the eff out and basically loved it. We were terrified that night and even slept in the same bed because we are a couple of pathetic little girls.
Then in the morning we tried to convince Shawn to watch the movie with us that night but she kept refusing because she hated scary movies and so Jessie and I were like, "Unacceptable." And then over some drinks later that day, we came up with a plan.
We were going to convince Shawn she was being haunted.
Because Shawn is such a wonderfully sweet person, she was also super gullible. In other words: a perfect target.
We started that night. Shawn and I shared a room and Jessie was in the other room. Deep in the night at like 2AM, Jessie had her alarm set to wake up and turn all the faucets in the apartment on. I "woke" up and turned them off and then "went back to sleep". Ten minutes later it would happen again, except this time the door to the bathroom slammed which woke up Shawn. She went out to explore, saw all the faucets on and turned them off. The next morning she asked who had left all the faucets on and slammed the door and we all played dumb.
That was night one.
We decided to take a break the next night and on night 3 we were at it again. This time Jessie timed it so she would slam our bedroom door open and shut and then sneak back into her room. All of us would wake up and be like "Yo, WTF?" except no one would admit to doing it. This went on a couple more times that night and with some additional lights turning off and on if Jessie got inspired.
Throughout the day we would also try to do little things to creep Shawn out. We would randomly move her things around or leave faucets on- the usual.
But then we decided we needed to step it up. We had to make this psychological. That is where my mind-fuck expertise came in. I started talking to Shawn about how I felt I "wasn't myself" and how I felt like something negative was always around me- like a dark cloud. I basically started acting like I was on a really bad acid trip.
During this time our apartment complex was under construction and to shield the pathway to our building from the construction, they had constructed a metal gate that created a path from the street to the building. You couldn't see through the metal and it was really winding so there were a lot of hidden nooks that you couldn't see in the dark. Because of how creepy and dangerous it was, we all called it the "Ralley" which was basically Rape + Alley= Ralley.
One night Shawn said she was going to go for a run at night. Jessie and I knew this would be our chance. Jessie said she was going to go take a nap and closed her door. While Shawn was changing she ran out and hid in the Ralley. As Shawn went out she started making noises and saying over and over again in a really low voice "We are the ones who dwell within!" Not relevant to anything whatsoever.
And because Jessie was behind the Ralley, Shawn couldn't see her and was totally freaked. Needless to say she had a short run that night.
Haunting Shawn had consumed Jessie and I. We had all these elaborate plans and dreams and our piece de resistance was night seven. Each room had their own balcony which was only accessible by entering the room. You could not access the balcony any other way.
You could, however, use a broom handle to move the sliding door open from the outside if you stand on your tippy toes from the other balcony. Which, if you were already under the impression you were being haunted and scared as shit, would appear as if a ghost is opening your balcony door because there is no one on the balcony. It was seriously scary and even though I am giggling as I write this, I am also seeing how I am an awful person.
Shawn immediately woke up when she heard the door sliding and was super freaked out. We did it a couple more times and I had the TV remote so I would also simultaneously secretly turn the TV off and on. Super creepy.
Shawn didn't sleep that night and I pretended not to as well so I could show her I was also super freaked out. It took EVERYTHING out of me to not burst out laughing.
We did the balcony thing the next night as well and I got so worked up in the drama I even started crying one night which totally freaked her out. The next day, though, Shawn looked like shit and skipped all her classes for that day and Jessie and I finally got a conscious and revealed to her the truth of her fake haunting.
And because Shawn is the biggest sweetheart she wasn't even mad but even admitted it was kind of hilarious even though I am sure there is a part of her that secretly hates us.
We are all still friends even though Shawn deleted all her social media to go and live on a farm in Colorado (maybe to recover from her traumatic experience of living with us she-devils?) and had a life-changing and incredible experience living together. Jessie and I still love to reminisce about that time we tortured our beloved friend over some beers and cheese fries
So what is the moral of this story? Basically I am a horrible person and do not deserve at all to have any friends because I will torture you and make your life miserable. But I am a really good cuddler and an excellent big spoon, so it all comes out in the wash.

25 August 2013

Well... I Used to Be Cute

Wasn't I cute back in the day? 

Anywho it's Sunday... Which means it's time for Sunday Social and basically I get to answer questions about myself and you pretend you're interested! I wasn't really feeling this week's questions but I put on my big girl pants and did them because otherwise I would just be staring at this wall in front of me for the next 7 hours.
Sunday Social

1. What do you miss most about being a kid?
I miss being tucked in every night. I am still desperately trying to convince Pedro to move back in with my parents. Their house is ginormous so it would be totally fine and we would have free rent, Fios internet and like 3,000 channels. Not to mention my mom could tuck me in every night!

2. Did you have a nickname growing up? What was it?
I did not have a nickname. I tried to give start spreading around that my nickname was J.Lo but that failed miserably and made me look like a fool. So yeah, that backfired a bit.
3. What was your favorite thing to do at recess?
I distinctly remember in 3rd grade "playing" Spice Girls and it was the clique-iest thing ever. Your day was ruined if you weren't included and/or were stuck being Sporty Spice.
4. What did you want to be when you grew up?
I wanted to be a UN ambassador since I was like in fourth or fifth grade? I was one of those kids who was obsessed with genocides (and by "one of those kids" I mean the .04% of kids obsessed with genocides who did NOT end up becoming serial killers in adulthood). I would read up on them, watch documentaries... my mom was a little worried because it was a SUPER weird thing to do and talk about over dinner, but I think I ended up OK... right Mom?
5. Did you participate in any school activities?
My French ID card. This is the youngest pic of
me I could actually find on my computer.
Look at those cheeks!
Ha, obviously. I was a geek, remember? Well, I remember being a geek. I think I got "cool" in Senior year and it was totally worth the wait. I also didn't participate in any activities until like Junior year and it was only to look good for college. I was the editor of my high school newspaper and I was the president of the Social Justice Club. It was an enthralling youth.
6. What is the funniest thing you did as a kid that your parents still remind you about?
I would fall asleep eating. My parents would be feeding me and I would just pass out. Luckily it was just yogurt and so I would just drool it out anyways.
My grandparents used to love this story. One time I was watching a football game at a bar with my grandfather and I asked really loudly, "Why are they all African American" and apparently the whole bar thought it was hilarious. I am just proud that I was politically correct at a young age despite having pretty un-PC grandparents.  

23 August 2013

My Dollar Tree Addiction

Hello, my name is Jessica and I am addicted to the Dollar Tree. 

Last week I meandered into a Dollar Tree after hearing from a client that they sold clam strips there and I was like "Oh hell yes. I do not like clam strips and quite frankly, that shit gives me major diarrhea but hey, clam strips!" Apparently they also accept EBT just in case you were wondering. 

Up until then, I just imagined the Dollar Tree to basically just be filled with the tears of all the Chinese children who had been forced to make tacky plastic dashboard hula dancers in exchange for 4 pennies. And it kind of is that... But with a much more varied assortment of crap. 

First we need to put my Dollar Tree visit into context. I had just left Ulta where I had spent a good forty minutes touching pretty things that cost more than the $14 I currently had in my pocket. I had also spent a significant amount of time "swatching" super expensive make-up all over any blank space on my body. Please note I am only using the term "swatching" because it is a professional and fancy way of saying that you took some make-up and rubbed it all over your arms in an attempt to show how it may or may not look on your face. I don't really get it, but whatever. Basically I looked like a pathetic, multi-colored fool and I was super depressed at my level of poverty (thanks grad school). 

So next door was the Dollar Tree. I walk in there and automatically my mood is 1,000 times better. Here, my $14 meant I was royalty. I basically found a reason for living. 

At the Dollar Tree I wasn't some sad girl with an even sadder bank account, dog hair-covered shorts and a Bob Marley oversized t-shirt, I was a freakin' QUEEN. I could fill up a basket and proudly march to that check out aisle and shit, I didn't even need coupons!

So yes, this was last Sunday when I had this minor life-changing revelation. It is now Friday and I have hit up every single Dollar Tree in a 30 mile radius. #notashamed. 

I have even visited the same store three times in one week. Do not ask me how I have the time for this. I make time for this. This shit is important. Visiting the Dollar Tree is an even bigger confidence booster than having Ryan Gosling tell me that even though my body is banging, it is my personality that is truly the most beautiful. I could give a shit about them because I am pretty sure I just spotted a sponge in the shape of a frog. Yes please!

I have even made excuses to justify going to the Dollar Tree. And once there, I will go apeshit and pick up the most random assortment of crap. Then when I am home and empty my bag to go and look through my newly acquired treasures, I almost always sit there and wonder "How the hell did that get into my bag. I do not remember buying that". 

And that is the Dollar Tree affect. It's like a big mindfuck vortex in that store. You go in needing like rubber erasers and come out with a broom, three bobby pins and an at-home marijuana testing kit for JUST BECAUSE. 

They also sell pregnancy tests there... but not so sure how accurate those results would be. 

I know some people also enter into this weird hypnotic state when shopping at Target but to be honest, that only happens to me when I know someone else will be footing the bill (hey Mom!). Otherwise I keep myself on a strict budget. But at the Dollar Tree, no way. 

Another weird effect the Dollar Tree has on me? I think I am freakin Martha Stewart. I am convinced I can accumulate a bunch of random shit like some dessert plates, candle sticks, crepe paper and a Snoopy ornament and DIY it into some piece of art. That is NOT true whatsoever. I have no craft skills and will most likely not be acquiring any in the near future. So now I just have a bunch of crap sitting in a bag waiting for me to dig out my glue gun and make some magic. 

Luckily, I think my addiction made me fading a little. It already has been two days since I have last been to Dollar Tree. I would be lying though, if I didn't admit that I am totally going to hit up the Dollar Tree on my way to work tomorrow. 

Small steps. 

In the mean time, I have done the next weirdest thing in the world and started watching Dollar Tree haul videos on YouTube (yes they do exist). And I use the term "watching" lightly. I have been scouring the interwebs for haul videos and finding other addicts/enablers online. Like this girl who basically goes to the Dollar Tree every week and films a video of all the shit she purchased. And you best believe that I have been seriously considering doing the same especially since my mother is now in France and I am too ashamed to admit to my boyfriend how much time I spend wandering the aisles of my Dollar Tree when I am supposedly "stressed" with school. 

So that is my addiction confession. I know I could have worse and far more expensive addictions like heroin or being sexually attracted to balloons (it's a thing. Trust me on that one). But in the mean time I will still be trying to wean myself off, one dollar at a time. 

20 August 2013

Bitchin and Moaning Sometimes Does Work

Before I left for NYC (read my amazing and extremely thorough re-cap here) I wrote a post explaining I would be off having an amazing time IRL ('in real life' for those n00bs out there) I wrote a post that basically contained a teensy paragraph bitching about how I never won a bloggy award

Basically I am the Leonardo DiCaprio of the blogging world.  

Then this awesome girl Jenn wrote a comment being like "OMG how funny because I totally nominated you for a Liebster Award" AND before you get all sassy with me it was NOT a pity nomination because she totally wrote that post a couple of hours before I had even published mine. So there. I hope you feel horrible about yourself for thinking I just got a pity nomination. 

So basically the life lesson out of this is just bitch and moan about stuff, and it will happen to you. 

So I was not exactly sure what a Liebster Award was (I just knew I wanted one) so naturally I googled it and found this nugget of information:
The Liebster Award is given to up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. So, what is a Liebster?  The meaning: Liebster is German and means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome. Isn't that sweet? Blogging is about building a community and it's a great way to connect with other bloggers and help spread the word about newer bloggers/blogs.

Awesome. I am totally up and coming- my moment is coming any minute now. I most definitely have less than 200 followers. And I am obviously sweet, kind, nice, dear-y, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing and welcoming. So good job, Jenn. You nailed it. I am the epitome of a Liebster. 

So I need to start off my listing 11 random facts about myself. Here goes:

1. Even though nature scares me, when I was 16 I did an Outward Bound program for 30 days and camped in the woods, climbed some mountains along the Appalachian Trail, made fire with rocks and shit and basically didn't shower for 30 days. And because that program is ridiculously expensive, my Mom got me signed up on the juvenile delinquent redirection group from New York City which basically was a bunch of kids who got arrested for some stuff and instead of going to juvey got to spend 30 days in the wilderness to learn the error of their ways and basically scare the shit out of the most suburbany middle-class white girl who ever lived (yes, I am referring to myself). To this day, I still keep in touch with some of them which is kind of hysterical.

2. I think baked macaroni and cheese is a delicacy.

3. As a corollary, if I ever were to strike it rich I would embark on a macaroni and cheese tour of the world. #dreambig

4. I sometimes find myself staring at pictures of models or random girls online for like 40 minutes. At first I thought I might be a lesbian but then I realized I just really like staring at bodies of women who actually do more than 3 sit-ups per week.

5. Actually my Uncle totally thought I was gay until I got my first boyfriend at 19. I went to an all-girls school and then later participated in a Woman's Leadership Program at my university so naturally that meant I was a big 'ole lesbo. I also went to Senior Prom with my best friend as my date and totally posted pictures of us taking traditional prom photos online so I kind of understand how he reached that conclusion.

6. I have absolutely NO retirement savings and it makes me kind of sad.

7. I convinced my college roommate she was being haunted for 2 weeks but had to stop after we made her cry one night. Too bad... it was hysterical.

8. I camped out in the desert and got high with my friends and some random guy we met (IN THE DESERT) for my 21st birthday.

9. I dedicate one day a month to matching up my socks.

10. I have never seen one episode of One Tree Hill or Dawson's Creek and never intend to.

11. I think Jennifer Love Hewitt has amazing boobies.

So I also got tagged in some questions. 

1. What's your Starbucks order?
I am one of the 17 people on Earth who do not go to Starbucks. I also don't really drink anything besides H2O and Shirley Temples so I guess a bottle of water would be my order? With maraschino cherries. 

2. What's your favorite month of the year?
December because it is the day of the birth of our lord and savior.... ME (is that offensive? oops). December 19th!! And yes, I do have a PayPal account so feel free to send cash my way as we get nearer to that date. 

3. What do you want to be "when you grow up"?
Lindsay Lohan's therapist. I feel like we could make some awesome breakthroughs and I would be consistently employed for at least another 30 years. Win-win. 

4. If you could have 1 thing for breakfast every day, what would it be?
Calorie/fat/carb free chocolate chip pancakes. 

5. What was your favorite TV show as a kid?
Lizzie McGuire. And yes, I watched it into my teens way past the age of appropriateness. Not ashamed. 
I totally skipped my first "boy and girl middle school dance" to see this movie premiere with my Uncle. I didn't really peak in my social life until 2 weeks ago. 

6. What's your favorite popsicle flavor?
Strawberry? I cannot remember the last time I had a popsicle, though. 

7. If you went to college, what was your major? If you didn't, what would it have been?
I did go to college and I majored in International Relations with a concentration in conflict and security and minored in History. And no, none of that is relevant and/or useful to what I do now with my life. Thanks Mom and Dad!

8. What's your favorite flower?
I like rainbow colored lotuses with a frog sitting and mediating in the middle. I especially like them when they are tattooed on someone's lower back and I have to see it when they bend over to pick up their ciggies they dropped which may or may not have happened today. 
I put in as much effort photoshopping this horror as the tattoo artist did in making that shitastic tattoo. 

9. What color do you wear the most often?
Black. It's slimming, hides my food stains and allows me to delude myself into thinking that I am "dressed up". 

10. Pepsi or Coke?

11. What's your favorite sports team?
These boys:

So thank you again Jenn for nominating me. It was great and now I get to tell my mom that the hours I spend online ARE productive after all. 

And now I get to nominate 11 other bloggers and ask them 11 questions. But I can't choose just 11 (I honestly do not know if I can even name 11 bloggers I know... I am joking, but seriously I hate picking and choosing because it reminds me of the heartache I suffered every year in gym class.) so I am going to be one of those girls and nominate everyone!

My 11 Questions for YOU 
1. Demi or Selena? Defend your choice. 
2. What TV show character do you most identify with?
3. If you had to give up eating chocolate for a year in order to get $1 million would you do it?
4. You have a pencil, a blue bandana, a pack of gum and 5 red Skittles. What would you make with it?
5. What do you see here?
6. Be honest, what do you really think about Miley? Do you miss pre-twerking, bleached blonde and always slightly naked Miley? 
7. Describe your job without actually saying what it is. 
8. You enter a public bathroom with 7 stalls, all of which are empty. From left (stall 1) to right (stall 7), which one do you pick?
9. When you were a child, did you ever have an imaginary friend?
10. Have you ever taped yourself sleeping? If so, were you being haunted? And if so, please tell me more because I think that is super interesting. 
11. You have to get a face tattoo of either "YOLO" on your left cheek or a tattoo of John Stamos on your forehead. Which one do you pick?

So these questions aren't the most... traditional. But I think they are interesting. So if you are bored one day and feeling uninspired- here you go. You are welcome! I may even go ahead and re-nominate myself just so I can answer these fascinating Q's. And thank you again Jenn for nominating me! 

Liebster out!

19 August 2013

Oh, Just That One Time I Hid in the Target Dressing Room and Cried to my Mom

I am gullible.

I will believe 99.78% of what is told to me out there in the world. In my job, I believe about 33.57% of what is told to me because that's just my clientele. For some reason, in my real life I am the most gullible and trusting person in the world while at work I am like a freaking CIA agent and can read people within 10 seconds.

Go figure.

Anyways, I was lackadaisically (SAT word) roaming through Target Friday night when a pair of kids (read: they were probably no more than 18 years old. But I am 24 now so anyone under the age of 23 is now a kid) approached me and asked if they could ask me a few questions. I said, "Sure" because let's face it, it was Friday night and I was at Target all alone (read: I was looooooonely).

They both had those sticker Target nametags with their names, one for the girl Mahia and one for the boy, Jimmy.

They asked me all these questions that were super flattering, like "Your hair is gorgeous. Do you curl it?" And I was all like "Oh my gosh (giggle) No... I do brush it sometimes, though".

They then proceeded to tell me about how they were company reps selling curling wands in Target. These were super nice high quality curling irons, too. Not that cheap Conair crap. These ones retailed for $200.

I oohed and ahhed with them.

The thing was, they told me, they had only one more left to sell for the night and they were going to give me a great price for it. Only.... $20. They wouldn't even make commission! They were just tired and really wanted to go home and unlike me, probably had plans that involved more than a bag of Tostitos.

So.... I looked into their pleading eyes and I was like, "Why not?" It's only $20 (which I am in absolutely NO position to say because finding $20 in a pocket for me is liking find the Holy Grail. Last week I found $10 in my pants pocket and legitimately one tear of happiness slowly rolled down my cheek. It was beautiful). So I tell them I will take it (well I technically already had it since they shoved it in my hands and made me open it so I could ooh and ahh with them).

Then they were all like, "Oh well you need to pay here with us. But don't worry it's cool." And because I am 24 years old and wanted to impress a bunch of teenagers who actually were dressed in appropriate clothes and not sweatpants with bleach stains all over them I whipped out my debit card and they were grabbed it and swiped it on their iPhones with one of those square payment things (OMG so cool!) and then I was like "Oh, um do I get a receipt?" and they were like "Sure, we'll email it to you" which totally seemed like an appropriate answer at the time.

Keep in mind this all happened in about 5 minutes. Yes, it is THAT easy to win me over. It was pathetic.

Then they kind of did a run-jog out the door and I am holding a basket of Tostitos, tampons and a curling wand and then the whole "Ohh what the fuccccccck" kind of happened so I grabbed this nasty neon peplum shirt and ran into the dressing room and did the only rational thing I had done all night: called my Mom.

I was like dry-sobbing which is when I make crying noises but no liquid comes out of my eyes. It is incredibly weird and disturbing to watch.

"Mommmmmmmmmm I think I just got scammed." I proceeded to tell her what happened. I literally could hear her head shaking. She then told me to call my credit card company right away and dispute the charges and then I was all like, "But what if it's legit. They looked like good kids! And they told me my hair looked pretty!!" to which she shook her head again (I swear you can hear it over the phone). She then asked me how much was in my bank account and after I told her, this was her answer: "Oh then if it's only that, then you should be OK" as in YOU HAVE NO MONEY IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER IF PEOPLE ROB YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE ALREADY EXTREMELY POOR (emphasis mine).

Thanks Mom.

I then eventually decide I have to check out and am super nervous to approach the check-out line because I am too embarrassed to admit that I totally got played in a Target and am even more scared they will think I am trying to steal it because I am super afraid of authority figures.
I get through the line and hold onto my curling wand and when the cashier gives me the once over I blurt out "I already paid for this over there with the company reps" and she was like "OK" and then I was like "OK" and I finally let out all that air inside my lungs and she checked me out and I ran to my car and was like "Did I just rob Target? Was this a legitimate sale and I am so jaded and paranoid that I cannot trust two sweet innocent kids randomly selling curling wands from their iPhones in the aisles of Target?"

So two days later and I still keep compulsively checking my bank account. I keep having mini heart attacks every time I do check and I am like "OMG they did take all my money!" and then I realize, "No, I just bought an iced coffee at Dunkin Donuts and that took the last $3 out of my account all on it's own."

Moral of the story: While I may not have gotten robbed, it is generally maybe not the best idea to buy random shit from kids at Target who are not wearing red shirts and khaki pants. Unless this is a new thing that Target is starting but Google could not answer that for me so if anyone has any input, please do share.

And now to answer the question that is on everyone's minds: How is the curling wand?

Oh em gee it's amazing! I actually love it. It's the Stylehouse Curling Wand and looks like this:

It heats up super fast, curls beautifully and is generally super awesome. Totally would have spent $20 on it any day. I am kind of actually happy I got it because I have been on a YouTube binge lately where I watch like 80 hours of these "make-up gurus" and I have been wanting to try and put more than 3 minutes into my make-up and hair routine.

So I guess everything kind of did work out in the end... Which is actually quite rare for me but maybe this was just an incident of the YouTube make-up guru gods looking out for me? Sure let's just go with that...

18 August 2013

Skydiving, Jew Fros and Mediocrity: Sunday Social

So it is Sunday which means it also the one day a week I am social. Go link up too!
Sunday Social

1. What is something you’ve always wanted to do but are afraid of?
I'm going with sky-diving on this one. Every once in awhile a Groupon or something will pop up and I am like "That would be so awesome!" and I stare at it for 3 to 6 hours and then I'm like "Nahhhhhh" and I always regret it. But the process keeps repeating itself and every time it's a new excuse but I usually blame it on the fact that my insurance plan has about as much protection as a windbreaker from frostbite in Antarctica (who knew Antarctica had TWO 'c's in it? Mind blown). Anywho, I am hoping one day I will grow enough lady balls to actually do it!

2. Where do you see yourself in five years?
In 5 years I will be 29 years old. So I am assume I will be either gracefully accepting my impending 30th birthday by wearing age-appropriate cardigans, pearls and sensible heels OR in a vigorous state of denial and slapping on eye cream every night, wearing leather mini skirts that show my hoohah and inevitable cellulite and weeping over my Master's Degree in a cold, dark room because I can no longer afford electricity because for some godawful reason I decided to become a social worker and be poor forever and ever.

I am hoping (fingers crossed) that I am somewhere in the middle of this spectrum. By 30 I think my eggs will all be dried up so I guess I should try to pop out some MexiJews (hybrid Mexican-Jewish babies. They are a fairly intelligent species and can run pretty quickly compared to their full-breed Jewish brethren but are still significantly slower than their Mexican counterparts due to the wind-resistance created by their massive Jew fros).

Pretty accurate example of what a MexiJew looks like.

3. What are you looking forward to before the end of 2013?
Well seeing as that is 5 months away I hope to be a lot fitter, mildly skinnier and a teensy bit smarter. I hope to be done with my first semester and continue my trend of all A's in Grad School (holla!) and I also am super-duper looking forward to that Hunger Games movie coming out because that is the first book I have read in like 17 years and I am excited to be one of those people in the theatre, commenting on every scene and being like "Um yeah that's not how it was in the book."

4. What are your hopes for your blog?
I hope she's happy, makes good choices and always remembers to use protection.

But seriously, I'm happy with her. She's mediocre- just like her momma. I like the fact only 38 people know about her- I still do not know how those big bloggers do it. More than 3 comments a day and I am like the biggest diva on earth. My ego is far too large to have a bigger blog following- it would be catastrophic for the world.

5. Do you always see yourself living in your current town/city?

Guys I live in a town called "Plainville". Plainville= PLAIN + ville.

I do like living in Massachusetts. We have excellent schools, we are super liberal and love the gays and there is always a guarantee you will live within a 15 minute drive to a Target.

That being said, I have a secret desire to live- even for a year- somewhere in the South. Like most Northerners, I believe the South is like a relic of the past and the good 'ole days. Everyone is sweet, polite, racist (just kidding!)... And also the real estate is dirt cheap so I can live like a king. In Massachusetts $100,000 buys you a 1 bedroom apartment house with a yard just big enough to bury 1 human body (these are actual measurements, too) while $100,000 in like Arkansas can buy me a mini palace and a chauffeur named Charles.

Apparently they also have a lot of fried chicken in the South (again basing all my information on whatever I have seen on TV/heard from my one Southern friend from Tennessee) and I have a feeling I would really enjoy that since I ate a shitton of schnitzel (Jewish version of fried chicken so obviously it's 1000x more Kosher and 1000x less delicious).

6. What is your morning routine?
Ha. What is that? Well I can tell you how my ideal morning would go:

6:30am: My harpist begins her melody to gentle arouse me out of my extremely fulfilling 14 hours of Ambien induced sleep.
6:35am: My house-elf, Shania, comes with my morning hot cocoa and doesn't say a single word because I HATE when people talk to me in the morning.
6:40am: Shania returns with a stack of homemade chocolate chip pancakes and tells me I look beautiful.
7:00am: Shania clears away my pancakes and my harpist begins my "let's get in the shower, girl" song.

My carb-free and zero-calorie pancakes.

7:15am: My shower is over. I didn't need long because I am a naturally clean person and I never need to shave because I am the one, lone naturally hairless Middle Eastern girl except for those luscious locks sprouting out of my head.
7:20am: I am all dry and cue the birds to come in and dress me.

7:30am: I am ready to go! I do not need to wear make-up as I am naturally flawless. John Stamos hands me the lunch he labored over all morning and my harpest, Shania, all the birdies and John wave me goodbye as Charles, my chauffeur, drives me to work.
In reality, my mornings are spent while I am in a half comatose stage so I am not really sure what my morning routine is. I should tape it one day but since Paranormal Activity I am terrified of filming myself in fear I will find out I am haunted or secretly being molested in my sleep and in all honesty, IGNORANCE IS BLISS :)
Happy Sunday guys!

14 August 2013

These are My Confessions

Remember this? Of course you do.

PS: Where is Usher these days?

  • I read absolutely no books this Summer, but you know I saw every episode of Animal Hoarders
  • I have now gone with 5 days of not putting the sheets on the bed due to pure laziness.
  • I am on a new cleanse for the next 30 days that a friend talked me into. It's not horrible. It's not great. We shall see...
  • I am digging the whole sponsorship on blog thing. I've sponsored one blog and she's awesome and keep checking her out because I have a guest post appearing on there soon.
  • Bloggers that manage to post a new blog daily confuse me. How is this done?
  • Speaking of which I have like 200 unread blogs in my Bloglovin' feed. I know I'll just get frustrated and ignore them all, but seriously how do people blog full time? The minute I get online, I get sidetracked within 76 seconds. 
  • Which also reminds me I have a ton of emails to respond to. Don't worry guys- I'll come to you!
  • I don't do Twitter. I tried it. I just don't like it. I am the 1%.
  • I have seen like 3,000 bloggers post pictures of wine and bagel bites. Do I also need to do this? Is there a particular wine that should accompany this delicacy? 
  • I have around 200 full size makeup products just chilling in my apartment. I received 95% of them via couponing and have no idea what to do with them. The hoarder in me has a compulsive need to keep them forever and refer to them as "my treasures" and possibly kidnap a neighborhood child one day so I can make her into a Toddler and Tiaras girl with all the shit I own... Too far?
  • I also spend like 30 hours watching makeup gurus make videos on YouTube. I never try to copy them because I am naturally afraid of failure but they have a weird, calming effect on me. 
  • I am in the market to buy some chairs. I really want a fancy fabric covered chair but I can't talk myself into spending over $100 for a chair I am convinced I can make myself with a hot glue gun. I know I can't really make it and I'll break down and just buy one eventually. 

There are a million more random thoughts bopping around in my head but I figured this list would be enough to give you a little glimpse into the madness behind it all. 

Hope you are all having a great Hump Day!

13 August 2013

Renting Textbooks: A Way to Make Me a Little Less Poor?

1 comment:
As I complain mention here a lot, I am currently a grad student. I am part-time (which is a joke because it's never part-time) and also working. And because school is expensive enough, I always get a little extra stressed when the semester starts and the syllabus lists the 5,000 books we will be needing for that semester.
I typically spend a couple of hours searching for the cheapest price of books online. I will hit up each website and last year I even made a spreadsheet comparing prices. I had like 15 books to buy and I was not messing around. I also would be using these books for the entire year so I wanted to make sure I got a good rate.
For my Summer courses, I would only be taking the class for 8 weeks. With such a short time, I was kind of pissed I would have to buy books. Sure, I like to think that I can at least have these books to read and reference but in reality, the only "books" I read and reference when I have a free moment is Cosmo. That is where www.CampusBookRentals.com comes in.
When CampusBookRentals.com contacted me about doing a blog post about them I was totally all for it. I love, love the concept of renting books. It saved me lots this Summer and was perfect for when I needed the books for such a short time period.
I will admit I did use another textbook renting site in the past. And I was not the biggest fan. I was totally anal with making sure I didn't make any marks or dents in the book and was super annoyed I had to pay a (in my humble opinion) highly ridiculous fee to keep the book an extra 2 weeks for finals. After that, I was a bit jaded with book rental companies.
But CampusBookRentals.com is a little different. They actually let you highlight in the textbooks which is a major necessity for me. I do not feel accomplished unless I have highlighted something. Also  CampusBookRentals.com has free shipping both ways which is another huge plus and with every purchase they donate to Operation Smile which is incredibly cool because I actually participated in a fundraiser for them back in High School and they are an incredible non-profit.
Another cool feature that I did learn about from CampusBookRentals.com is that they are starting this new program called RentBack (www.RentBack.com) which basically lets students rent books they already own. Basically I love this idea - it is the perfect option for me because I honestly just cannot see half the books I have sitting on my shelf for much longer (true story, after I received my only D in college in a statistical economic class, I legitimately ripped my book up and lit it on fire. It was extremely cathartic if not a bit psychotic). AND they take care of it- all you have to do is send them your books, they are the middle-man and handle everything. Super stress-free and effortless which is a win-win for me (obviously).
I think I might give RentBack.com a go- I have previously sold my books to other students but am super awkward with money related issues and just felt uncomfortable so I would be like "No just take it, it's cool" and then hating myself for the next 3 hours. I like that I can just rent it out, get it back and rent it again. It sounds like it might be a pretty easy and nice way to make some extra side money. I will definitely let you guys know how it goes!
For all my blogger friends still stuck in school, have you tried using a textbook renting website before? How did you like it? Does highlighting also make you feel accomplished?

11 August 2013

Oh, it's time to be Social Again

1. When you were little what did you want to be when you grew up?
I wanted to be an ambassador with the UN. I was a really cool kid. I even bought a UN helmet I saw once at a thrift shop. I look really good in baby blue.

2. What was your favorite way to kill time as a kid?
Same way I kill time now: naps. Silly question.

3. When did you get your first cell phone?
High school. When I started to drive- so when I was 16. It was super old, too and not the cool ones that the other kids had. I remember the cool girls at school had the cell phone AND those texting only gadgets (I have no idea what the hell it was called) and I basically had only flip-screens. I think the most popular phone with my crowd was the Chocolate phone and like every single girl got a Chocolate phone from their boyfriends on Valentine's Day. I got nothing on Valentine's Day because I had no boyfriend and acne. Not the greatest combination.

4. What is your favorite magazine to read?
I never really read magazines unless I am stuck at a nail salon and do not feel like trying to have a conversation with my nail manicurist, especially after I discover that it wasn't me she was actually talking to but whoever is on the opposite end of that Bluetooth she has shoved in her ear.

Can I pick a online magazine? Sure? I love Jezebel.com. Read it every day and always learn something new.

5. What is the one random object people would be surprised to find in your purse?
A pink pepper spray bottle. It kind of looks like perfume and you would never give it a second look. It's also totally illegal in MA but I refuse to get raped/murdered/maimed/kidnapped etc. I'm OK with being robbed. Just none of the other ones. Hence, my pink pepper spray.
Happy Sunday!

08 August 2013

That One Week Where I ate a Ton and Walked A Lot aka My NYC Recap

I'm baaaaaaaaack!

NYC was great: I ate a lot, walked a lot, got a little drunk and a lot poor.

I have a confession to make...

We have already established I am a horrible person, so I might as well keep proving it to you all...

I never read when bloggers recap their little adventures or trips. 

I wasn't there, I do not find your pictures of the museum fascinating and I like architecture and buildings and shit, but I just cannot be bothered to scroll through and look through them all. 


On that note: here are some pictures from my fanfuckingtastic time in NYC. 

Here is a building.

Apparently this is art.

Apparently this is also art. 

The incredibly beautiful 9/11 memorial.

New York City and whatnot.

Another building.

The Statue of Liberty.

I have about 5400 other pictures that I plan on making into an online scrapbook and making my children look through every year at Christmas, but until then they will live in my computer hard drive until I A) get un-lazy enough to actually make said online scrapbook or B) there is a technology invented that will give me "Skinny Arms" in every single photo with a click of the button. 

Now I am off to dive into Bloglovin and see all the incredibly important things I have missed this week and comment the hell out of the interwebs so you guys don't forget about me. 

Have an amazing weekend!

02 August 2013


Tomorrow morning I am leaving for NYC which will mean a couple of things:

1. I will be having fun and eating a lot of food and then justifying said binge eating by walking two blocks and thus burning any calories I had previously consumed (That is how it works, right?) 

2. I will be taking an obnoxious amount of photos. 

3. I will be AWOL online. 

In order to wean you off of having me with you every night and day.... I have here, for you, the 5 Stages of Grief (because obviously all seven (okay... three) of my loyal readers will undoubtedly be suffering in my absence (right?). 

The first stage: Denial and Isolation

"No she didn't really leave us, did she?"
"I feel so alone."
"My life means nothing now".

I get it. You're in denial. I also am in denial about many things in life (Calories don't count if you stand up while eating, right?) You may be feeling alone. Abandoned. I understand cause it's kind of true. I totally left you to go have an amazing time in New York and gorge myself on deep dish pizza. 

The second stage: Anger 

"How dare that little bitch/tart/meanie leave us?"

At this stage you may feel resentment and anger toward me for (temporarily) leaving you. It's OK- I understand. Just take solace in the fact that I am having an incredible time and probably nearing morbid obesity from my daily visits to Crumbs cupcakes. You may be angry, but you can never stay mad too long at a fatty.

3. Bargaining

Maybe if I nominate her for a Liebster Award, she'll come back? (I won't fight you if you do nominate me, seeing as I have NEVER been nominated for a bloggy award and let's face it: this shit here is pretty much Pulitzer Prize material) 

You will try to combat your feelings of helplessness and vulnerability in order to get me back. You will wonder, "If only I had written more comments" or "If only I had tweeted her back and confirmed that she is indeed a better singer than Miley" (that one is a trick- no one is a better singer than Miley) maybe she wouldn't have abandoned me to go to New York. Don't try it, it won't work and will just make you even more miserable. I will be holed up in an amazing $6 million apartment across from Central Park (thanks Uncle Tom!) so yeah, I won't be coming back for at least a week. And please believe me when I say- it's me, not you. 

4. Depression

"I'm so sad Jessica isn't here. I'm going to go eat a dozen donuts and weep in my room to Tori Amos"

This is where you realize I really will not be blogging for a week. There will be no random lists, no posts about Moose and no fun weekend recaps where I talk about how I worked 14 hours straight. 

To help you get through this stage, I suggest reading other amazing blogs written by other like-minded sassy queens like Adriana at Dog Hair is an Accessory and Emily at Sassy in Sequins to help you fill that undeniable crater-sized void in your soul. 

5. Acceptance 

"Ok, whatever her blog was kind of weird anyways. I'm going to go get some froyo".

At this stage you have accepted that I will be gone for a week and have gotten over it. You may have even reached this step and skipped numbers #1-4. Actually that is probably the most likely scenario. Good for you- you have no heart. 

Be back sometime next week! Don't forget about me!
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...