Tomorrow morning I am leaving for NYC which will mean a couple of things:
1. I will be having fun and eating a lot of food and then justifying said binge eating by walking two blocks and thus burning any calories I had previously consumed (That is how it works, right?)
2. I will be taking an obnoxious amount of photos.
3. I will be AWOL online.
In order to wean you off of having me with you every night and day.... I have here, for you, the 5 Stages of Grief (because obviously all seven (okay... three) of my loyal readers will undoubtedly be suffering in my absence (right?).
The first stage: Denial and Isolation
"No she didn't really leave us, did she?"
"I feel so alone."
"My life means nothing now".
I get it. You're in denial. I also am in denial about many things in life (Calories don't count if you stand up while eating, right?) You may be feeling alone. Abandoned. I understand cause it's kind of true. I totally left you to go have an amazing time in New York and gorge myself on deep dish pizza.
The second stage: Anger
"How dare that little bitch/tart/meanie leave us?"
At this stage you may feel resentment and anger toward me for (temporarily) leaving you. It's OK- I understand. Just take solace in the fact that I am having an incredible time and probably nearing morbid obesity from my daily visits to Crumbs cupcakes. You may be angry, but you can never stay mad too long at a fatty.
Maybe if I nominate her for a Liebster Award, she'll come back? (I won't fight you if you do nominate me, seeing as I have NEVER been nominated for a bloggy award and let's face it: this shit here is pretty much Pulitzer Prize material)
You will try to combat your feelings of helplessness and vulnerability in order to get me back. You will wonder, "If only I had written more comments" or "If only I had tweeted her back and confirmed that she is indeed a better singer than Miley" (that one is a trick- no one is a better singer than Miley) maybe she wouldn't have abandoned me to go to New York. Don't try it, it won't work and will just make you even more miserable. I will be holed up in an amazing $6 million apartment across from Central Park (thanks Uncle Tom!) so yeah, I won't be coming back for at least a week. And please believe me when I say- it's me, not you.
"I'm so sad Jessica isn't here. I'm going to go eat a dozen donuts and weep in my room to Tori Amos"
This is where you realize I really will not be blogging for a week. There will be no random lists, no posts about Moose and no fun weekend recaps where I talk about how I worked 14 hours straight.
To help you get through this stage, I suggest reading other amazing blogs written by other like-minded sassy queens like Adriana at Dog Hair is an Accessory and Emily at Sassy in Sequins to help you fill that undeniable crater-sized void in your soul.
"Ok, whatever her blog was kind of weird anyways. I'm going to go get some froyo".
At this stage you have accepted that I will be gone for a week and have gotten over it. You may have even reached this step and skipped numbers #1-4. Actually that is probably the most likely scenario. Good for you- you have no heart.
Be back sometime next week! Don't forget about me!