Hello, my name is Jessica and I am addicted to the Dollar Tree.
Last week I meandered into a Dollar Tree after hearing from a client that they sold clam strips there and I was like "Oh hell yes. I do not like clam strips and quite frankly, that shit gives me major diarrhea but hey, clam strips!" Apparently they also accept EBT just in case you were wondering.
Up until then, I just imagined the Dollar Tree to basically just be filled with the tears of all the Chinese children who had been forced to make tacky plastic dashboard hula dancers in exchange for 4 pennies. And it kind of is that... But with a much more varied assortment of crap.
First we need to put my Dollar Tree visit into context. I had just left Ulta where I had spent a good forty minutes touching pretty things that cost more than the $14 I currently had in my pocket. I had also spent a significant amount of time "swatching" super expensive make-up all over any blank space on my body. Please note I am only using the term "swatching" because it is a professional and fancy way of saying that you took some make-up and rubbed it all over your arms in an attempt to show how it may or may not look on your face. I don't really get it, but whatever. Basically I looked like a pathetic, multi-colored fool and I was super depressed at my level of poverty (thanks grad school).
So next door was the Dollar Tree. I walk in there and automatically my mood is 1,000 times better. Here, my $14 meant I was royalty. I basically found a reason for living.
At the Dollar Tree I wasn't some sad girl with an even sadder bank account, dog hair-covered shorts and a Bob Marley oversized t-shirt, I was a freakin' QUEEN. I could fill up a basket and proudly march to that check out aisle and shit, I didn't even need coupons!
So yes, this was last Sunday when I had this minor life-changing revelation. It is now Friday and I have hit up every single Dollar Tree in a 30 mile radius. #notashamed.
I have even visited the same store three times in one week. Do not ask me how I have the time for this. I make time for this. This shit is important. Visiting the Dollar Tree is an even bigger confidence booster than having Ryan Gosling tell me that even though my body is banging, it is my personality that is truly the most beautiful. I could give a shit about them because I am pretty sure I just spotted a sponge in the shape of a frog. Yes please!
I have even made excuses to justify going to the Dollar Tree. And once there, I will go apeshit and pick up the most random assortment of crap. Then when I am home and empty my bag to go and look through my newly acquired treasures, I almost always sit there and wonder "How the hell did that get into my bag. I do not remember buying that".
And that is the Dollar Tree affect. It's like a big mindfuck vortex in that store. You go in needing like rubber erasers and come out with a broom, three bobby pins and an at-home marijuana testing kit for JUST BECAUSE.
They also sell pregnancy tests there... but not so sure how accurate those results would be.
I know some people also enter into this weird hypnotic state when shopping at Target but to be honest, that only happens to me when I know someone else will be footing the bill (hey Mom!). Otherwise I keep myself on a strict budget. But at the Dollar Tree, no way.
Another weird effect the Dollar Tree has on me? I think I am freakin Martha Stewart. I am convinced I can accumulate a bunch of random shit like some dessert plates, candle sticks, crepe paper and a Snoopy ornament and DIY it into some piece of art. That is NOT true whatsoever. I have no craft skills and will most likely not be acquiring any in the near future. So now I just have a bunch of crap sitting in a bag waiting for me to dig out my glue gun and make some magic.
Luckily, I think my addiction made me fading a little. It already has been two days since I have last been to Dollar Tree. I would be lying though, if I didn't admit that I am totally going to hit up the Dollar Tree on my way to work tomorrow.
In the mean time, I have done the next weirdest thing in the world and started watching Dollar Tree haul videos on YouTube (yes they do exist). And I use the term "watching" lightly. I have been scouring the interwebs for haul videos and finding other addicts/enablers online. Like this girl who basically goes to the Dollar Tree every week and films a video of all the shit she purchased. And you best believe that I have been seriously considering doing the same especially since my mother is now in France and I am too ashamed to admit to my boyfriend how much time I spend wandering the aisles of my Dollar Tree when I am supposedly "stressed" with school.
So that is my addiction confession. I know I could have worse and far more expensive addictions like heroin or being sexually attracted to balloons (it's a thing. Trust me on that one). But in the mean time I will still be trying to wean myself off, one dollar at a time.