28 August 2013

The Big "D"

I have depression. 

I am not depressed because N SYNC broke up and I really feel like Justin has been an ass to the other boys and it kind of hurts me inside, I have depression. 

And it seems like when I drop that bomb of truth everyone is like "OHMYGOD no you're not depressed! You're so much fun!" and automatically assumes that people with depression just wear a lot of eyeliner, stays in their room all day and writes awful poetry. And are not super fun like me. 

For some reason or another mental illness has been seriously stigmatized in our society and I am totally guilty in that. I have struggled with depression my whole life and have been embarrassed and ashamed to have to admit I have this disease (why could I not just have chlamydia like all the other girls in school?!?). For a lot of people, depression was something that happened for 3-6 months after a loved one died and then you woke up one day and simply got over it. 

"What do I have to be depressed about?" I used to wonder, "I have great parents, an almost complete collection of Lisa Frank stickers and I have never been assaulted/molested/attempted murdered... Nada". 

Eventually I realized that I had a chemical inbalance and that shit needed to get fixed. There was no point in trying to solve it myself with some yoga and Ben & Jerry's- sometimes you just got suck it up and get some professional help. 

And I am not embarrassed or ashamed to admit it. 

Depression manifests itself in a myriad of ways. Yes, you can sad and dejected and lose interest in life. But you can also feel perfectly normal but have no energy to go out and smell the roses, to say. Which is why depression can sometimes be tricky to catch... Because you don't actually have to be sad to be depressed. 

Once I understood this, I finally "got" it. And with that understanding also came peace and just an attitude of "I'm over being bothered by this shit. I can't do anything about it. I am not going to apologize for it." And for me, I can't even say that "it sucks" because my depression doesn't suck. I have lived with it for a gazillion years and it has made me the person I am- which is basically a pessimistic, cynical bitch and I love that! I am an awful, horrible person and I am in love with myself- all parts included.


  1. Such a great outlook on it! You go, girl. And keep being Y-O-U! :-)

  2. i'm also predisposed to depression that was triggered after i squeezed out another human out of my vagina. it was actually really bad for 2yrs and those 2yrs were the darkest days of my life. i kicked its ass through meds and psychotherapy and now keep it at bay through awesome workouts and a healthy lifestyle. if i don't workout for a few days, i can feel myself going to The Bad Place so if that's not motivation to keep going, then i don't know what is.

    like you, i am not ashamed to tell people that i suffer from it. sometimes i like telling people i had to go through 2yrs of psychotherapy just to see their reaction; it's like they don't know what to say and get all weird and awkward, it's awesome.

    thanks for sharing and being so awesome :)

    Vodka and Soda

  3. Lucky for you, this follower knows a lot about the Big "D" and everything that comes along with it. I have suffered from Depression all my life! It started in my teens as a result of being obese and being tormented by others around me and continued through my son's birth and dead. Now I suffer from it and anxiety.. I have literally been on and tried every depression/anxiety medication that exists and every form of therapy, including hypnosis without trance (after my son's death). I don't think Depression is anything to be ashamed about-- if you need someone to talk to or any advice on anything, email me personally because I'm more than happy to tell ya anything. But more so, hang in there! XOXO

  4. good for you! I think most people battle with it at some point, but not everyone is able to adjust their attitude as well as you were!

  5. I was only officially diagnosed with depression (MDD) in 2012, as well as PTSD. I've not dealt with it all my entire life, but I've dealt with the building up of it my entire life. And then I exploded. I only recently started blogging openly about it, too. Not a lot of people know much about it, and the media doesn't really help, either. A blogging friend of mine told me, "If you're so depressed, you need to be in a hospital. We don't need people like you out on the streets. People like you should be locked up." Now, we're not really friends as much anymore.

    It takes a lot to be able to blog about this, so congrats on being able to.

    I used to apologize for my depression, but I stopped. I stopped because depression is the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me.


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