That Time I Convinced My Roommate She Was Haunted

Today I have a story to tell.

 

And I am sharing it with you all knowing full well that it makes me look like a complete asshole and a horrible person that should probably never procreate or be deserving of any love or cuddles.

 

Back in 2009 I went to "study" (I am using this word very loosely) abroad in Tel Aviv, Israel. I had the most amazing roommates and we had a super cool, ultra modern apartment (a rarity in the city).

 

The apartment was set up like this: You walk in and enter the dining/kitchen area which was basically a small table, a fridge and a small counter with a sink, hotplate and microwave. You keep walking and get into the bathroom which has two separate bathrooms. One on the right and one on the left- each for two people.

 

Then, off the kitchen area were two large bedrooms. Each bedroom had it's own balcony that was not attached to the other. Here is a crappy picture I made in Paint to show the layout:

Got it?

 

Okay so let's meet the cast of characters involved:

 

 

On the left there is Jessie, I'm in the middle and on the right is Shawn.

Shawn is sweet and literally she is the nicest person you will meet in your life. She is kind, such a giving person and has an aura of sunshine and butterflies around her...

... She is the type of person who will dance- like a bird- in the streets of Jerusalem with you at 1 in the morning and never even think to judge you for it...

 

.... She plays card games with children....

... Which is why Jessie and I spent the entire semester torturing her and doing things like putting her in the corner and making her cry.

 

 

As if you needed more proof I am a horrible person.

 

So one night Jessie and I were bored and I had heard about this movie called Paranormal Activity. I had read about it was all the craze back in the States and saw it had an Israeli director so I was like "Jessie let's watch this scary movie and call it a cultural experience because some Israeli guy made it".

 

So we cuddled in bed and freaked the eff out and basically loved it. We were terrified that night and even slept in the same bed because we are a couple of pathetic little girls.

 

Then in the morning we tried to convince Shawn to watch the movie with us that night but she kept refusing because she hated scary movies and so Jessie and I were like, "Unacceptable." And then over some drinks later that day, we came up with a plan.

 

We were going to convince Shawn she was being haunted.

 

Because Shawn is such a wonderfully sweet person, she was also super gullible. In other words: a perfect target.

 

We started that night. Shawn and I shared a room and Jessie was in the other room. Deep in the night at like 2AM, Jessie had her alarm set to wake up and turn all the faucets in the apartment on. I "woke" up and turned them off and then "went back to sleep". Ten minutes later it would happen again, except this time the door to the bathroom slammed which woke up Shawn. She went out to explore, saw all the faucets on and turned them off. The next morning she asked who had left all the faucets on and slammed the door and we all played dumb.

 

That was night one.

 

We decided to take a break the next night and on night 3 we were at it again. This time Jessie timed it so she would slam our bedroom door open and shut and then sneak back into her room. All of us would wake up and be like "Yo, WTF?" except no one would admit to doing it. This went on a couple more times that night and with some additional lights turning off and on if Jessie got inspired.

 

Throughout the day we would also try to do little things to creep Shawn out. We would randomly move her things around or leave faucets on- the usual.

 

But then we decided we needed to step it up. We had to make this psychological. That is where my mind-fuck expertise came in. I started talking to Shawn about how I felt I "wasn't myself" and how I felt like something negative was always around me- like a dark cloud. I basically started acting like I was on a really bad acid trip.

 

During this time our apartment complex was under construction and to shield the pathway to our building from the construction, they had constructed a metal gate that created a path from the street to the building. You couldn't see through the metal and it was really winding so there were a lot of hidden nooks that you couldn't see in the dark. Because of how creepy and dangerous it was, we all called it the "Ralley" which was basically Rape + Alley= Ralley.

 

One night Shawn said she was going to go for a run at night. Jessie and I knew this would be our chance. Jessie said she was going to go take a nap and closed her door. While Shawn was changing she ran out and hid in the Ralley. As Shawn went out she started making noises and saying over and over again in a really low voice "We are the ones who dwell within!" Not relevant to anything whatsoever.

 

And because Jessie was behind the Ralley, Shawn couldn't see her and was totally freaked. Needless to say she had a short run that night.

 

Haunting Shawn had consumed Jessie and I. We had all these elaborate plans and dreams and our piece de resistance was night seven. Each room had their own balcony which was only accessible by entering the room. You could not access the balcony any other way.

 

You could, however, use a broom handle to move the sliding door open from the outside if you stand on your tippy toes from the other balcony. Which, if you were already under the impression you were being haunted and scared as shit, would appear as if a ghost is opening your balcony door because there is no one on the balcony. It was seriously scary and even though I am giggling as I write this, I am also seeing how I am an awful person.

 

Shawn immediately woke up when she heard the door sliding and was super freaked out. We did it a couple more times and I had the TV remote so I would also simultaneously secretly turn the TV off and on. Super creepy.

 

Shawn didn't sleep that night and I pretended not to as well so I could show her I was also super freaked out. It took EVERYTHING out of me to not burst out laughing.

 

We did the balcony thing the next night as well and I got so worked up in the drama I even started crying one night which totally freaked her out. The next day, though, Shawn looked like shit and skipped all her classes for that day and Jessie and I finally got a conscious and revealed to her the truth of her fake haunting.

 

And because Shawn is the biggest sweetheart she wasn't even mad but even admitted it was kind of hilarious even though I am sure there is a part of her that secretly hates us.

 

 

 

We are all still friends even though Shawn deleted all her social media to go and live on a farm in Colorado (maybe to recover from her traumatic experience of living with us she-devils?) and had a life-changing and incredible experience living together. Jessie and I still love to reminisce about that time we tortured our beloved friend over some beers and cheese fries

 

 

So what is the moral of this story? Basically I am a horrible person and do not deserve at all to have any friends because I will torture you and make your life miserable. But I am a really good cuddler and an excellent big spoon, so it all comes out in the wash.

My Dollar Tree Addiction

Hello, my name is Jessica and I am addicted to the Dollar Tree. 

Last week I meandered into a Dollar Tree after hearing from a client that they sold clam strips there and I was like "Oh hell yes. I do not like clam strips and quite frankly, that shit gives me major diarrhea but hey, clam strips!" Apparently they also accept EBT just in case you were wondering. 

Up until then, I just imagined the Dollar Tree to basically just be filled with the tears of all the Chinese children who had been forced to make tacky plastic dashboard hula dancers in exchange for 4 pennies. And it kind of is that... But with a much more varied assortment of crap. 

First we need to put my Dollar Tree visit into context. I had just left Ulta where I had spent a good forty minutes touching pretty things that cost more than the $14 I currently had in my pocket. I had also spent a significant amount of time "swatching" super expensive make-up all over any blank space on my body. Please note I am only using the term "swatching" because it is a professional and fancy way of saying that you took some make-up and rubbed it all over your arms in an attempt to show how it may or may not look on your face. I don't really get it, but whatever. Basically I looked like a pathetic, multi-colored fool and I was super depressed at my level of poverty (thanks grad school). 

So next door was the Dollar Tree. I walk in there and automatically my mood is 1,000 times better. Here, my $14 meant I was royalty. I basically found a reason for living. 

At the Dollar Tree I wasn't some sad girl with an even sadder bank account, dog hair-covered shorts and a Bob Marley oversized t-shirt, I was a freakin' QUEEN. I could fill up a basket and proudly march to that check out aisle and shit, I didn't even need coupons!

So yes, this was last Sunday when I had this minor life-changing revelation. It is now Friday and I have hit up every single Dollar Tree in a 30 mile radius. #notashamed. 

I have even visited the same store three times in one week. Do not ask me how I have the time for this. I make time for this. This shit is important. Visiting the Dollar Tree is an even bigger confidence booster than having Ryan Gosling tell me that even though my body is banging, it is my personality that is truly the most beautiful. I could give a shit about them because I am pretty sure I just spotted a sponge in the shape of a frog. Yes please!

I have even made excuses to justify going to the Dollar Tree. And once there, I will go apeshit and pick up the most random assortment of crap. Then when I am home and empty my bag to go and look through my newly acquired treasures, I almost always sit there and wonder "How the hell did that get into my bag. I do not remember buying that". 

And that is the Dollar Tree affect. It's like a big mindfuck vortex in that store. You go in needing like rubber erasers and come out with a broom, three bobby pins and an at-home marijuana testing kit for JUST BECAUSE. 

They also sell pregnancy tests there... but not so sure how accurate those results would be. 

I know some people also enter into this weird hypnotic state when shopping at Target but to be honest, that only happens to me when I know someone else will be footing the bill (hey Mom!). Otherwise I keep myself on a strict budget. But at the Dollar Tree, no way. 

Another weird effect the Dollar Tree has on me? I think I am freakin Martha Stewart. I am convinced I can accumulate a bunch of random shit like some dessert plates, candle sticks, crepe paper and a Snoopy ornament and DIY it into some piece of art. That is NOT true whatsoever. I have no craft skills and will most likely not be acquiring any in the near future. So now I just have a bunch of crap sitting in a bag waiting for me to dig out my glue gun and make some magic. 

Luckily, I think my addiction made me fading a little. It already has been two days since I have last been to Dollar Tree. I would be lying though, if I didn't admit that I am totally going to hit up the Dollar Tree on my way to work tomorrow. 

Small steps. 

In the mean time, I have done the next weirdest thing in the world and started watching Dollar Tree haul videos on YouTube (yes they do exist). And I use the term "watching" lightly. I have been scouring the interwebs for haul videos and finding other addicts/enablers online. Like this girl who basically goes to the Dollar Tree every week and films a video of all the shit she purchased. And you best believe that I have been seriously considering doing the same especially since my mother is now in France and I am too ashamed to admit to my boyfriend how much time I spend wandering the aisles of my Dollar Tree when I am supposedly "stressed" with school. 

So that is my addiction confession. I know I could have worse and far more expensive addictions like heroin or being sexually attracted to balloons (it's a thing. Trust me on that one). But in the mean time I will still be trying to wean myself off, one dollar at a time. 

Bitchin and Moaning Sometimes Does Work

Before I left for NYC (read my amazing and extremely thorough re-cap here) I wrote a post explaining I would be off having an amazing time IRL ('in real life' for those n00bs out there) I wrote a post that basically contained a teensy paragraph bitching about how I never won a bloggy award. 

Basically I am the Leonardo DiCaprio of the blogging world.  

Then this awesome girl Jenn wrote a comment being like "OMG how funny because I totally nominated you for a Liebster Award" AND before you get all sassy with me it was NOT a pity nomination because she totally wrote that post a couple of hours before I had even published mine. So there. I hope you feel horrible about yourself for thinking I just got a pity nomination. 

So basically the life lesson out of this is just bitch and moan about stuff, and it will happen to you. 

So I was not exactly sure what a Liebster Award was (I just knew I wanted one) so naturally I googled it and found this nugget of information:

The Liebster Award is given to up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. So, what is a Liebster?  The meaning: Liebster is German and means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome. Isn't that sweet? Blogging is about building a community and it's a great way to connect with other bloggers and help spread the word about newer bloggers/blogs.

Awesome. I am totally up and coming- my moment is coming any minute now. I most definitely have less than 200 followers. And I am obviously sweet, kind, nice, dear-y, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing and welcoming. So good job, Jenn. You nailed it. I am the epitome of a Liebster. 

So I need to start off my listing 11 random facts about myself. Here goes:

1. Even though nature scares me, when I was 16 I did an Outward Bound program for 30 days and camped in the woods, climbed some mountains along the Appalachian Trail, made fire with rocks and shit and basically didn't shower for 30 days. And because that program is ridiculously expensive, my Mom got me signed up on the juvenile delinquent redirection group from New York City which basically was a bunch of kids who got arrested for some stuff and instead of going to juvey got to spend 30 days in the wilderness to learn the error of their ways and basically scare the shit out of the most suburbany middle-class white girl who ever lived (yes, I am referring to myself). To this day, I still keep in touch with some of them which is kind of hysterical.

2. I think baked macaroni and cheese is a delicacy.

3. As a corollary, if I ever were to strike it rich I would embark on a macaroni and cheese tour of the world. #dreambig

4. I sometimes find myself staring at pictures of models or random girls online for like 40 minutes. At first I thought I might be a lesbian but then I realized I just really like staring at bodies of women who actually do more than 3 sit-ups per week.

5. Actually my Uncle totally thought I was gay until I got my first boyfriend at 19. I went to an all-girls school and then later participated in a Woman's Leadership Program at my university so naturally that meant I was a big 'ole lesbo. I also went to Senior Prom with my best friend as my date and totally posted pictures of us taking traditional prom photos online so I kind of understand how he reached that conclusion.

6. I have absolutely NO retirement savings and it makes me kind of sad.

7. I convinced my college roommate she was being haunted for 2 weeks but had to stop after we made her cry one night. Too bad... it was hysterical.

8. I camped out in the desert and got high with my friends and some random guy we met (IN THE DESERT) for my 21st birthday.

9. I dedicate one day a month to matching up my socks.

10. I have never seen one episode of One Tree Hill or Dawson's Creek and never intend to.

11. I think Jennifer Love Hewitt has amazing boobies.

So I also got tagged in some questions. 

1. What's your Starbucks order?

I am one of the 17 people on Earth who do not go to Starbucks. I also don't really drink anything besides H2O and Shirley Temples so I guess a bottle of water would be my order? With maraschino cherries. 

2. What's your favorite month of the year?

December because it is the day of the birth of our lord and savior.... ME (is that offensive? oops). December 19th!! And yes, I do have a PayPal account so feel free to send cash my way as we get nearer to that date. 

3. What do you want to be "when you grow up"?

Lindsay Lohan's therapist. I feel like we could make some awesome breakthroughs and I would be consistently employed for at least another 30 years. Win-win. 

4. If you could have 1 thing for breakfast every day, what would it be?

Calorie/fat/carb free chocolate chip pancakes. 

5. What was your favorite TV show as a kid?

Lizzie McGuire. And yes, I watched it into my teens way past the age of appropriateness. Not ashamed. 

I totally skipped my first "boy and girl middle school dance" to see this movie premiere with my Uncle. I didn't really peak in my social life until 2 weeks ago. 

6. What's your favorite popsicle flavor?

Strawberry? I cannot remember the last time I had a popsicle, though. 

7. If you went to college, what was your major? If you didn't, what would it have been?

I did go to college and I majored in International Relations with a concentration in conflict and security and minored in History. And no, none of that is relevant and/or useful to what I do now with my life. Thanks Mom and Dad!

8. What's your favorite flower?

I like rainbow colored lotuses with a frog sitting and mediating in the middle. I especially like them when they are tattooed on someone's lower back and I have to see it when they bend over to pick up their ciggies they dropped which may or may not have happened today. 

I put in as much effort photoshopping this horror as the tattoo artist did in making that shitastic tattoo. 

9. What color do you wear the most often?

Black. It's slimming, hides my food stains and allows me to delude myself into thinking that I am "dressed up". 

10. Pepsi or Coke?

Coke.

11. What's your favorite sports team?

These boys:

So thank you again Jenn for nominating me. It was great and now I get to tell my mom that the hours I spend online ARE productive after all. 

And now I get to nominate 11 other bloggers and ask them 11 questions. But I can't choose just 11 (I honestly do not know if I can even name 11 bloggers I know... I am joking, but seriously I hate picking and choosing because it reminds me of the heartache I suffered every year in gym class.) so I am going to be one of those girls and nominate everyone!

My 11 Questions for YOU 

1. Demi or Selena? Defend your choice. 

2. What TV show character do you most identify with?

3. If you had to give up eating chocolate for a year in order to get $1 million would you do it?

4. You have a pencil, a blue bandana, a pack of gum and 5 red Skittles. What would you make with it?

5. What do you see here?

6. Be honest, what do you really think about Miley? Do you miss pre-twerking, bleached blonde and always slightly naked Miley? 

7. Describe your job without actually saying what it is. 

8. You enter a public bathroom with 7 stalls, all of which are empty. From left (stall 1) to right (stall 7), which one do you pick?

9. When you were a child, did you ever have an imaginary friend?

10. Have you ever taped yourself sleeping? If so, were you being haunted? And if so, please tell me more because I think that is super interesting. 

11. You have to get a face tattoo of either "YOLO" on your left cheek or a tattoo of John Stamos on your forehead. Which one do you pick?

So these questions aren't the most... traditional. But I think they are interesting. So if you are bored one day and feeling uninspired- here you go. You are welcome! I may even go ahead and re-nominate myself just so I can answer these fascinating Q's. And thank you again Jenn for nominating me! 

Liebster out!

These are My Confessions

Remember this? Of course you do.

PS: Where is Usher these days?

• I read absolutely no books this Summer, but you know I saw every episode of Animal Hoarders
• I have now gone with 5 days of not putting the sheets on the bed due to pure laziness.
• I am on a new cleanse for the next 30 days that a friend talked me into. It's not horrible. It's not great. We shall see...
• I am digging the whole sponsorship on blog thing. I've sponsored one blog and she's awesome and keep checking her out because I have a guest post appearing on there soon.
• Bloggers that manage to post a new blog daily confuse me. How is this done?
• Speaking of which I have like 200 unread blogs in my Bloglovin' feed. I know I'll just get frustrated and ignore them all, but seriously how do people blog full time? The minute I get online, I get sidetracked within 76 seconds. 
• Which also reminds me I have a ton of emails to respond to. Don't worry guys- I'll come to you!
• I don't do Twitter. I tried it. I just don't like it. I am the 1%.
• I have seen like 3,000 bloggers post pictures of wine and bagel bites. Do I also need to do this? Is there a particular wine that should accompany this delicacy? 
• I have around 200 full size makeup products just chilling in my apartment. I received 95% of them via couponing and have no idea what to do with them. The hoarder in me has a compulsive need to keep them forever and refer to them as "my treasures" and possibly kidnap a neighborhood child one day so I can make her into a Toddler and Tiaras girl with all the shit I own... Too far?
• I also spend like 30 hours watching makeup gurus make videos on YouTube. I never try to copy them because I am naturally afraid of failure but they have a weird, calming effect on me. 
• I am in the market to buy some chairs. I really want a fancy fabric covered chair but I can't talk myself into spending over $100 for a chair I am convinced I can make myself with a hot glue gun. I know I can't really make it and I'll break down and just buy one eventually. 

There are a million more random thoughts bopping around in my head but I figured this list would be enough to give you a little glimpse into the madness behind it all. 

Hope you are all having a great Hump Day!

An Open Letter to My Stretchy Pants

Dear Stretchy Pants,

I know I have been wearing you a lot lately. 

Like everyday. 

This is my chance to say "thank you". The last couple of months have been tough for me. A new batch of meds combined with an unquenchable hunger for French fries has made all my other pants a little... tight. 

But you? 

You stuck with me through everything. 

You stretched and pulled until I tugged you all the way up my thunder athletic thighs. 

You even were gracious enough to let me pull you up all the way to under my twins so that I could suck in my muffin top as well. 

Stretchy pants, you really went above and beyond. 

And that is why I dedicate this post to you. 

You are a true friend. 

I have been cutting back on my French fries and hitting the gym, so I may be wearing you less and less as the days pass on. But trust me, for those fat days where I feel like a bloated, gross and disgusting pile of lard after a 2AM McDonalds binge, I know you will be there to (literally) pull me together. 

Love you Stretchy Pants.

What I Do Until 3 in the Morning

I usually work late- I can end anywhere from 9pm to 11pm. So when I come home, I'm still pretty wired. But because I've been at work all day dealing with emotional stuff (read: I work at a domestic violence shelter) I like to come home, eat dinner with mah boo and then be completely socially anti-social. 

Socially anti-social is my way of saying that I am physically in the presence of my boyfriend but we both sit in complete silence. I understand how it can be weird to outsiders, but it's cool. We sit in silence and every once in awhile we may look up at each other and say "I love you" or whatnot, but generally we sit in silence. 

Judge away.

Anyways, I love documentaries. I love them. I watch at least one a day. Yes you read that right. I watch a documentary every day. 

And I love the weird ones. I watch serial killer documentaries, anything on drugs I love, documentaries about weird diseases, bizarre murder documentaries... anything weird, taboo and nasty I love.

In Netflix, I have seen the majority of the "Social and Cultural Documentaries" section. Owned it.

Yep, seen all these ones too.

As we are typing these I am watching a VICE documentary on sensory deprivation. Seriously. 

While I do have an addiction to documentaries, I feel like it could be worse. Like I could be addicted to meth, right? Because I totally saw a documentary on meth and let me tell you that shit is crazy. Seriously guys- don't do meth. 

Anyways that's my little admission... I love documentaries and will totally stay up all night on these weird documentary benders. And seeing how it is 1:45am, I think I am on one of those now. 

What are your guys secret guilty pleasures that keep you up all night? (I feel like this sounds sexual. It's not. Unless for you it is, then by all means go for it).