Some Welcome/Unwelcome News

So yesterday morning I received some news from my doctor. 

I have alluded to it in the past, but for the past year I have been having some neurological issues combined with some severe lethargy and fatigue and some joint pain and have been dealing with some sort of sickness pretty much every month. Basically I felt exhausted all the time and in turn, very frustrated at my exhaustion. 

I have been to several doctors and specialists and no one could figure out what was wrong. They suspected I was stressed from my school and work, which I technically was. They assumed I was depressed, which I was because I was stressed and tired all the time. They assumed I had Vitamin D deficiency, which maybe I did. 

But I still wasn't getting better. 

Last week I went into urgent care because I had an awful cough and had been sick for a solid month. I told them my symptoms and I ended up getting a full work-up of blood work and an x-ray. 

So the doctor called yesterday morning and left me a voicemail asking to call back as soon as I received the message.

So I called back and spoke with a nurse who told me that I had Lyme Disease. 

And I was ecstatic. For the past year I have been researching my symptoms and suspected I had Lyme. My neurological symptoms threw me off a bit (I was tested for MS) but I had a feeling. 

I had a very good friend who had late stage/chronic Lyme and she almost died. It was awful to see. But as a result, I was familiar with the symptoms. 

My brother also has a friend who is currently undergoing treatment for Lyme right now and when I told my brother my diagnosis, his verbose and eloquent response was "Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh shiiiiiiiiit. That sucks dude." He has such a way with words. 

I also had an incredibly odd encounter several years ago at a Barnes and Noble. An older woman started a conversation with me (I am one of those people who strangers always approach) and spoke to me about how there is a pharmaceutical 'conspiracy' to cover-up the epidemic of Lyme Disease because some people believe that Lyme is a cause for many neurological diseases later on in life and most prominently, Alzheimer's Disease. Her husband was currently suffering from Alzheimer's and at the time I honestly thought this woman was crazy. But she told me to go home and research and watch a movie called "Under our Skin" (the link takes you to the movie on Hulu- it's free and fascinating!) I went home and watched it and my mind was blown. 

I know my body. I knew something was wrong and it was so incredibly frustrating to constantly be told  "There's nothing wrong with you". I knew something was wrong and I finally got someone to find it for me. 

I felt so relieved. 

I am now on antibiotics and am really excited to begin treatment. I am a little nervous as well because about 1/3 of those with Lyme continue to experience symptoms after the antibiotics are through and some do get worse. I am cautiously optimistic but feel vindicated that I have "proof" there is something wrong. 

I am excited to begin my healing journey. I hope to regain some energy and feel like I am living life again because honestly, I feel like I have been sitting on the sidelines a lot. 

So while I am sad I have to go through this all, especially seeing how my friend struggled so much, I am relieved to have an answer and begin getting back on with my life again. 

</over sharing>

Retail Therapy

I have a pretty big project to hand in tomorrow that will frame the rest of my semester. I had already chosen a topic and was not finding myself stimulated enough so naturally I spent 8 hours figuring out a new topic and settled on one I am interested in and all I need to do now is hope my professor approves it. 

So I basically feel like for the last 3 days I have done nothing but throw myself into this project. Which means that I have been spending a lot of time on my computer. Which means that sometimes I find myself purchasing random items in an effort to 'reward' myself for the 10 minutes I spent actually working on my project. 

It's awful. I need a spending freeze ASAP. I have a problem.

So here are some of the goodies I have managed to accumulate in the past week:

This dress is from Walmart and came in at $18.98. It looks really cute so hopefully it will look nice in person as well. 

This shirt is also Walmart and priced at $6. I like blue.

I then picked up some glasses because my mother thinks my glasses make me look like Ted Bundy.

And then I splurged a little at ELF. Luckily everything at ELF is pretty cheap and I had free shipping so it wasn't even so splurgy. But it felt so good and I am excited to get my goodies in the mail!

I picked up the Zit Zapper which I am currently using and love. I see such a difference and feel so refreshed after using it. And for only a $1? Ridiculous. I also picked up the Makeup Set and Seal. I heard good things about it and am excited to try it out. Lastly I snagged some oil sheets because I am usually away from home and can always use them and stash them in my car, purse.. everywhere.

I have no excuse for why I picked these up. They just seemed summery and I don't really understand the whole "baked" thing (it seems like it's everywhere and I still have NO idea what it is) so I wanted to try it out. 

I am not a huge lipstick girl but this looks like such a nice color and very sweet and simple. 

 I have been wanting to expand my brush collection. I got the stipple brush (on the right) for my new Bobbi Brown foundation, an angled eyeliner brush for my cream and gel eyeliners and a smaller eyeshadow brush.

Lastly I picked up some nailpolishes. They are all neutrals and will be perfect for the Fall. 

So yeah, I have gone a little wild. I am hiding my wallet from myself for the next coming days but am super excited about all my packages that will come trickling in soon. 

Have you guys splurged lately?

And now I have procrastinated enough... Back to school work!

A Dilemma

So this past week month has been a tough one. My Summer intensive courses started which packs two 3.5 hour classes into one day and has left me exhausted. It seems like I am never really caught up on the reading and by the time I do feel caught up, it is time to start the reading for next week. 

I also have been sick a lot this past year. I have been to several doctors, neurologists, emergency care- you name it. I went in again on Tuesday to an urgent care clinic because I have had this obnoxious hacking cough that totally kills me at night and makes it impossible to sleep. They think I may have mild asthma so now I have an inhaler and can successfully join the ranks of every other Jewish kid I know. 

But all this health stuff coupled with school stuff has left me rundown. Luckily my parents are amazing and have "taken Moose to summer camp" (he's chilling at their house and has already destroyed a good 13% of it) and I have been able to relax, catch up on cleaning and more importantly- sleep. 

There has been one other impactful stresstor in my life, though, and that is my job. 

I love my job. It's interesting. No day is ever the same and most importantly, it is great experience for the future craziness of the wonderful world of social work. 

It is, however, crazy stressful. I have alluded to my job in the past but I do not like to broadcast it so much. I do work in a shelter for domestic violence survivors. 

That being said, there have been some factors in my workplace that make me feel as if this is not an ideal fit for me at the moment mainly due to issues concerning my safety and my own sanity as well. 

My parents have becoming increasingly worried (they're good at that) and have offered a job for me at my father's company. 

It's hard to turn down. It has flexible hours which I will need once I start clinical along with continuing school in the Fall. It means I can work from home (their home which is basically mine, right guys?) and I can bring Moose in tow as well. It involves doing a lot of marketing and social media which is interesting but definitely a new skill set I would need to develop. 

Oh yeah, and they would pay double. 

For my position now, I only need to work 2 shifts a month to maintain my position. So I could still essentially 'work' here (read: keep on resume) and have a more reliable source of income and sanity from my other main job. 

Typing it up all now, I kind of already see the direction in which I will be taking. I am nervous to drastically switch it up, but I am already feeling some burn-out and definitely need to be more relaxed so I will not develop heart disease before I even give birth. 

So thanks for listening/reading this rambling if you have made it this far. I am still going to noodle on this decision for a bit... but for now, it's back to Arrested Development and readings about the Boston Race Riots. Yipee!

Oh Hey, I'm Alive and Cara Box Reveal!

So yeah it feels like I haven't blogged in forrrreeeeever and then I checked out my blog and realized the last time I blogged was on the 20th. 

Four days ago. I literally feel like it has been four weeks. 

Mainly because this week SUCKED. 

I have been sick, stressed, exhausted and generally just blegh. 

I may or may not delve into this further during the week, but for today I do want to try to keep it positive because one of the best highlights of the week was getting my Cara Box from the lovely Kiera in the mail!

So let me show you all the awesome goodies I got!

Here is the box that Kiera sent with everything in it. Well... full disclosure there was a bag of popcorn BUT I made the mistake of opening this box with my father within a 5 foot vicinity and I literally went up to grab a new memory card and by the time I had gotten back, poof! The entire bag of popcorn looked like it had been through a paper shredder. It was ugly. But I did manage to get some and it was reallly good! I am impressed Cleveland!

This is by far my favorite from the box. I'm wearing it now as I type! It's a ring that has Cleveland on the map in it. Above is an awful picture I took of it but it looks really cute in real life. Even with my little chubby fingers. 

Here is some cool body stuff including a body oil, some foot cream and a lip balm. It looks scrumptious and the oil just glides on and really sinks into your skin. It feels delicious!

And lastly, while Moose did not come in my wonderful Cara box I had to include this picture. Doesn't he look ridiculous? That's how he sits on the couch. I don't get it- it looks so uncomfortable. But he's a weirdo and a goober, so it suits him. 

Puppy Problems

Lately we have been having some puppy problems with this guy:

Okay maybe I need to update this picture seeing as this was taken back in September and this cute little furball is now this:

He's still a baby... just about 30 pounds heavier. 

But back to our problem. 

Moose is a spoiled boy. He gets thousands of kisses and cuddles, has a wide selection of toys and items he has made into toys (mainly my entire collection of slippers and flip-flops) and still has some accidents in the house even though I am convinced he knows to go outside. 

He's spiteful. 

But while at a party for my mother's yesterday, Moose did the worst thing ever: he bit someone. I was astonished. I was also really embarrassed. I assume this awful feeling was the same any parent of a mass murderer/serial killer also felt. How could my affectionate cuddle-bug be so aggressive?

We actually had to tie him to a tree during the party because he would lunge and bark at strangers all day. While Moose is fine at the dog park and walking around the neighborhood, when he is at home or my parent's house, he is very protective. 

So I have been doing tons of research about what we need to do. I never had this problem with any of my other dogs we had growing up and I feel so frustrated. Moose is the sweetest, but he is a big boy and is scary when he's got his teeth bared. 

My limit was reached, however, when this morning Moose tried to nip at me after I tried to take away something he was chewing on. 

So I got online and googled WWCD? What Would Cesar Do?

It turns out that because we have spoiled Moose and let him sleep in bed with us and hang out on the couch and feed him our food when we eat and don't lead during walks and a whole litany of other things, Moose has assumed the 'pack leader' role. And because he sees himself as the leader and our protector, anyone outside of the circle of my family is a threat and thus he is responsible to protect us. 

I get the psychology and I realize it's totally our fault. I have been treating Moose like a baby when he is a dog and needs different rules and regulations. 

So I decided the solution to re-channel all my extra hugs and love is to just simply have a baby myself so I can shower the baby with all the love I want to give to Moose. 

Just kidding.

But I have started re-training Moose and Pedro and I have been trying our hardest to re-establish our 'pack leader' roles. It's tough especially because Moose looks super depressed and pathetic. But I know it is good for him and he needs this structure to be happy and healthier. 

We are struggling with how to handle this and have decided we are going to try it on our own for 2 weeks and if we see no improvement we're gonna drop the cash and get a professional. So I would love if anyone had any perspective or had any similar experience to offer any advice or words of wisdom. Help?

Sunday Social!

I am linking up with A Complete Waste of Makeup for this week's Sunday Social again because I lack originality today to draft my own post and love talking about myself!

1. What is your favorite kind of surprise?
The best kind of surprise is no surprise. I hate surprises. Don't surprise me. Unless it's like "You won $100000000 million dollars". Even then, I will be suspicious and probably try to hit you. Don't surprise me- you will get hurt and I will most likely end up crying.

2. Flowers or Chocolate?
Chocolate. Except I just remembered I'm on a diet- I mean lifestyle change- so flowers... I guess. Gift cards are best, though.

3. What is your favorite summertime activity?
The beach obviously. But I'm snobby with my beaches. And if the beach sucks, I rather just hang out at the nearest air conditioned mall.

4. Do you have any vacations planned this Summer?
Ha.

No I don't. Want to hang out?

5. Favorite Summer Holiday?
My family and I used to go to Caseaux, in France, every summer with my whole side of my French family and I have the greatest memories from there.

6. Dream Vacation?
A backpack and a round-the-world plane ticket. And I would also like that $1000000000 million dollars as well. Please.

[edit] I definitely misunderstood question #5. Growing up holiday was interchangeable with 'vacation' (I think it's one of those annoying European things. Enjoy it! 

Happy Friday

If you have received an email from me (you lucky girls, you!), you probably notice that I sign my emails with "Happy [Insert Day of the Week Here]". It's stupid but I am not creative enough to come up with something snazzy. And I think I am above using 'Sincerely' and people that use anything else make me suspicious.

But anyways, Happy Friday!

Friday's are bittersweet for me. 

If I were to describe how I felt in Moose pictures, this is what it would be:

On the one hand, I don't have to work until 6pm. On the other hand, that is when the rest of civilization crawls out from under the cubicles and hiding spaces behind the water cooler to seek their own freedom. Meanwhile I'm locked down (And yes, I mean this quite literally as I work in a shelter and we literally are locked in) for 13 hours with nothing but some shotty internet and a pile of cheezits to entertain me. 

</self pity>

Anyways this weekend will be pretty jam packed. Normally I enjoy taking 16 hour naps on Saturdays and waking up around 9pm to enjoy 16 more hours of Lock Up. Tomorrow, however, I will be going shopping for party supplies for my mother's surprise 'Congrats You Graduated. Here is a Party in Your Honor Because We Feel Guilty We Honestly Didn't Know if You Would Make It". Seriously, though. I am so proud of my mom but we were nervous. But she did it! So we are going to celebrate with lots of jello shots (her favorite). 

So yes, I will be shopping with my brother's fiance who is... nice. 

Family. Doesn't that sum things up so tidily?

And then Sunday will be the party which I am mainly excited for because it means I ain't gotta work on Sunday! Wooo

So my weekend probably sounds superbly boring but trust me- this is the most exciting weekend I have had in mooooonths. 

Anyone else have more exciting plans for the weekend? Or are there any other shut-in recluses whose live's also revolve around MSNBC documentaries? If so, can we be friends?

Girl Crush

Have you guys ever had a girl crush? The kind of crush where you meet a girl who is amazingly confident, cool, beautiful, interesting... perfect and all you want to do is stare into her sweet eyes, admire her poreless skin and stroke those long luscious locks?

Too much?

But seriously, I met such a girl today and I am totally crushing and I want to be friends with her and have her be my maid of honor and my firstborn's godchild and swing with her on my farmer's porch when we're in our nineties. 

I am in girl love with her. 

It was so great to meet someone so interesting... especially at school where I have been feeling like the odd one out. But we have so much in common and she is just so fascinating and popular and pretty. 

I sound super creepy and I am sure if she ever does find this somewhere down our BFF line, she will be super creeped out but because we're BFFFFFFs she'll just giggle and be like "Oh, Jessica" and send me off a funny text full of emojis and  I'll be like "LOL drinks l8er?" (I text like a 13 year old) and she will totally respond 5 seconds later "For sure girl!" and we will laugh about how awkward and insane I used to be before I met her and she made me cool and fabulous- just like herself. 

Have you guys ever had a girl crush? Did you succeed in making her your Best Friend Forever?

Is it too soon to order these?

Vanity Time

Hello ladies. 

So awhile back I mentioned I was going to 'DIY' a vanity into my bedroom. And really the only DIY portion was putting the desk together. But technically I did do it myself. So, DIY... Right?

Anyways, here is the final product of the most awkward of awkward corners. 

There is a corner shelf that is about half-way between the floor and ceiling. It was too low to the ceiling to put a TV and too high up to use for storing clothes or anything. So it became a random decoration of things I have collected from my travels. 

So I threw up a lantern, a nargila from Morocco, some candles, my bracelets from India and just a fabric mat from Israel. A random collection for the most random space.

`

A closer view of the desk I totally assembled on my own. Yay women can do anything!

On the left side, in that blue box I keep allllll my samples and new products I have purchased and all my subscription box products. I am aiming to use one new product a day. 

Next to that I have all my pallets. I have like 4 so it's not a crazy amount. 

Underneath are 2 boxes for my nail polish and then a whole box dedicated to my Bare Escentuals stuff which I love. 

On the right side, the top drawer holds my "miscellaneous" aka shit I don't know what to do with so I threw it in a box and I'll deal with it later. And on the bottom is a little box with my hair dryer, straightener and different hair products. So organized! 

Random picture of my mint skinny jeans I am obsessed with because they're like 90% spandex and I am really thankful for that right now.

The left side of my desk has all my jewelry, perfume and make-up staples. 

The right side has my other moisturizers, make-up removers, toners, and cotton balls.

I did DIY this 3 tier tray and it's so awesome. I use it to hold bracelets on the bottom, perfume in the middle and my studs and glasses on the top. Love it. 

My favorite bowl that a friend gave me in Israel contains all my staples of make-up I use every day. 

 My favorite necklace gets the honor of hanging out on the faceless necklace holder. For now it is my hamsa necklace which has a really long chain and is gold and gorgeous and I love it more than my mother. Just kidding. Sort of. I really like it. 

 I am still tweaking it and figuring out ways to store everything efficiently. But I really love it and look forward to actually getting ready in the morning and I find that I am using a lot more of my stuff now that I can actually see it right in front of me!

Do you guys have vanities and if yes, I want to see pictures!

Sunday Social

I am linking up with A Complete Waste of Makeup for this week's Sunday Social again and this week we're taking a step back into the past!

Wasn't I a cute kid? And blonde, for some reason. 

1. 1 year ago I was doing …. I was about to quit a job that I hated. I was moving in with my boyfriend at the end of the month and was kind of in a state of limbo that was both exciting and terrifying.

2. 5 years ago I was doing …. I was back in DC as a college sophomore! Ahhh I am old. I had just gotten back from taking a semester off to live on a kibbutz in Israel and and I was really unhappy back in DC. That summer I went back to Israel anyways so I was probably excited to be heading back I imagine!

This basically sums up kibbutz life. And recognize these girlies? They're still my BFFFFFFFF's

3. 10 years ago I was doing…. I was in high school. I was 14 years old and just finishing my first year at an all-girls Catholic high school outside of Boston. Wool plaid skirts and knee socks included.

I'll let you guess which one is me...

4. 1 year from now Ill be doing… I hope to be more settled with Pedro. I will be entering my third and final year of grad school! I will hopefully not be cleaning up any more Moose surprises!

5. 5 years from now ill be doing… I will be... 29. So probably in the throes of a mental breakdown as I am petrified of turning 30 (I know, I know... I'm annoying!). I will be out of grad school, licensed and working. I will hopefully be married, maybe I will have a baby? Oh I have no idea. I hope I am just happy, healthy, with Pedro and Moose and insanely wealthy. Is that too much to ask?

Friday Happies and Crappies

Today I am linking up with Sarah at Scissors and a Whisk for some Happies and Crappies. I saw these all the time on blogs and I have been in a blogging funk lately so this seemed like a good solution!

Happies
1. Started my summer classes this week and I LOVED them. Sure, there is a ton of work but my classmates seem fantastic. Which brings me to...

2. My Racism class! Yes, such a fun topic right? But I love it because we have such a diverse group of classmates and I think the discussions we will be having will be so eye opening. AND our professor is super chill and laid back and sees himself more as a "facilitator" so basically that means A++++.

3. I got to finally give Moose a bath. He had surgery 2 weeks ago and has just been so grimy. I bathed him last night and he is soft and smells good again. When Moose just wakes up, he's super cranky and groggy. When I take him out to pee, he can't walk straight and basically looks like he's druuuuuunk. So he insists on peeing with his leg up but he can't balance himself, so yes, every morning my dog pees on himself. Every morning.

4. My mom is graduating from nursing school tomorrow! I am so proud of her and I am going to be decorating her cap for her. Love her and so so so so infinitely proud.

Crappies
1. My mom's graduation means I have to leave at 9am tomorrow. I get home from my 13 hour overnight at 7:30am. My family is going out to lunch after. Meaning I won't get my Saturday nap until... 4pm? I am already cranky at the thought of it.

2. My apartment never seems to be able to get clean. No matter how much time I spend a day cleaning it, I simply turn around and there's crap everywhere again. It's like these little crappy fairies come in and make mischief and mess for shits and giggles. They suck.

3. I ate some spicy shrimp yesterday and today I am paying for it.



So my crappies aren't so bad, right? I am definitely not looking forward to work tonight. The current clients at the shelter are a little... high maintenance and can be very draining but I am hoping for an easy and relaxing night. I have already downloaded Safe Haven for me to watch tonight and have a slew of Miley Cyrus movies on back-up to help keep me awake.

Happy Friday!

Finding my inner Sasha Fierce

So I mentioned a little while back that I may be carrying around a little extra... cushion. Great for winter insulation, not so great for buttoning up my favorite pair of jeans.

So I am finding my inner Sasha Fierce and making a genuine effort to drop some pounds, get some energy and just feel better in my clothes. Because let's face it, I'm vain and want to rock my skirts without having to worry about my, as Pedro affectionately calls them my "lovely handles" (Actually he genuinely believes that is what they are called. I love me a man that isn't a native English speaker). 

Anyways I have been eating 100 times better. Not perfect, but a lot better. AND I finally went to the gym yesterday AND today. That's two days in a row, guys. I barely even manage to shower two days in a row!

And I started the Couch to 5K program at the gym today. I totally rocked it. I mean, I hated every minute of it, but I totally rocked it. 

I also started following a lot of fitness blogs and have really been getting inspired. I don't think without the blog community I would have gotten my butt in check, so thanks guys! 

Going to enjoy my day off with some Law and Order and tacos!

Happy Thursday chicas :)

Why I started blogging

Today I am linking up with Neely at a Complete Waste of Makeup and Samantha at Hooah and Hiccups to share with you the varied and fascinating reasons that I started to blog. 

Firstly I love to talk about myself. And unfortunately not a lot of people like listening. So I decided to start blogging so I could share with the world why I spend a good third of my life watching HSN and QVC.

Secondly I have most of my friends living in different places around the world so I don't go out much. And by much, I mean I never really go out. Like I go to work, school, my boyfriend's restaurant and CVS. But it's not in the sad girl way "I have no friends, I'm lonely" because I do have friends, they just live very far away. So it is nice to be able to share with everyone what I am doing. Even though my friends don't actually have my blog URL. I should send it to them... My bad :/

Thirdly, I like to 'meet' new people and get new ideas. I love seeing and reading what other people are doing with their lives- whether it be DIY, make-up, clothes- whatever. I also am so impressed with how supportive the blogging community is and although I am still really new, I am loving the new blog friends I have already made. 

Also blogging is a great outlet for me. I love to write and have a place where I can just word vomit into the world. It's cathartic for me. I have a lot of stress some days with my job and school and life in general and to have a place where I can just wax poetic on BB creams is amazingly therapeutic. 

Can't wait to read all the other reasons that people blog... Hopefully they are less shallow than mine!

Happy Tuesday folks!

My Love Story: Part Deux

So you're back for more? Cool. If you have no idea what I am talking about and watch to catch up on Part I of my love story, click here. 

So yesterday I told you how I needed a place to watch my soccer games. So I stumbled into a Mexican restaurant that I had probably driven by hundreds of times before and just never noticed it. 

I called ahead to make sure they had GolTV for my game and little did I know that I was speaking to the future love of my life. Our first conversation on the phone was magical. It went something like this:

Me: Hi, do you guys have GolTV?

Him: Yes

Me: Can I come in and watch?

Him: Yes

Me: Ok, I'm coming. 

And I hung up. 

Were there butterflies? Not really. But I was really hungry so there was definitely some tummy rumbling. 

Anyways, I walk into the restaurant and sit my self down at the bar. Keep in mind it's like 2pm on a Saturday so the crowd is pretty sparse. 

Pedro- my future boyfriend/furbaby daddy- was working in the bar and I asked to change the channel, I ordered a burrito, watched my game and left. 

Truthfully, it took me awhile to even notice him. At this time in my life, I was preparing to move across the world. I was organizing paperwork, researching grad schools in Israel, closing my bank accounts... I was ready to go. 

But as I was waiting forever for my passport to get processed- which should have taken under 2 months- I was still heading to this bar every week for my games. And every week, Pedro would work up a nerve to come and talk to me a little bit. 

Truthfully at first I was kind of confused. I was so out of touch that I couldn't fathom him being interested in me. I thought he was just being nice because I am horrible at math and always leave like 50% tips because I just can't bother to calculate anything in the double digits. 

It was actually my mother who noticed Pedro and thought he was the cutest thing ever. I invited her to come watch a game with me and she was enamored with him. I never even really knew his name and everyone at the restaurant called me "Barcelona girl". She pushed me to ask him out (yes I am a modern woman and my mother wanted me out of the house because I spent every single night watching Lifetime and eating brownies) and we ended up going to a bar and just talking. He was super nervous and I thought it was adorable. At this point, I was not looking for anything serious because mentally I was already gone. 

But we kept going out and then after three more dates we had our first kiss and eventually we just sort of ended up together. 

But it was tough because I was open with him from the beginning about my decision to move. And my imminent move was always in the back of both of our minds. We knew our budding relationship had an expiration date. 

But a funny thing happened. No matter how many times I called, e-mailed or stalked the Israeli Consulate in Boston my passport never arrived. 

In fact, to this day two full years later, my passport is still not here. 

I never got it. 

And eventually I decided to take a chance and fall in love and make my life with Pedro. 

I do believe in fate. I believe everything works out for a reason. And I know that if I had gotten that passport, I would be a world away and Pedro would be a distant memory. But for some reason- whether it be God, lazy bureaucratic consulate workers or someone losing my application 17 times- life worked out this way and I cannot imagine it being any other way. 

About a year ago I ended up traveling back to Israel to see friends and I was so curious. Would I have this epiphany there and realize I made the wrong decision? I was scared but I knew I needed to go and see how I felt. And I am so glad I did. 

While I was glad to see my friends and be back in my 'ole stomping grounds, I did have a sort of epiphany. This place was no longer home to me. 

Home was with Pedro (awwwwww). Cheesy, but true. 

So while the whole story of us falling in love is pretty generic; girl walks into bar, boy sees girl, girl's Mom makes girl ask boy out, boy and girl go out, boy and girl fall in love, move in together, adopt a puppy, become recluse shut-ins who order Domino's and watch documentaries, my dramatic life made our romance so much more... dramatic.

Today our lives are much less drama-filled. Once I made the commitment to stay, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off of our shoulders and we could finally move forward. And move forward we did and still are.

How the Hell Did I End Up Here? / A Love Story

If our love story was a Lifetime movie, I believe the title would be something like "Love at First Taco". But that may confuse viewers. Is the girl in love with the boy... or the taco?

In my case, the answer would be both. 

But let me go back a bit. In this post, on this balmy Saturday afternoon in which I am still in the same clothes from the previous day, have moved maybe thirty feet in total and have not changed the channel from MSBNC's "Caught on Camera" for the last 4 hours, I thought it would be the ideal time to finally share with the world how my boyfriend and I came to fall in love and whatnot. 

Before I can get to the love story, I have to rewind to a break up.

The "break up" was with my best friend. We had survived four years of college together and I loved her like a sister. We partied together, lounged together, studied together... we did everything together. We may have been co-dependent, but in the fun, slightly less pathetic way. 

We knew after we graduated that we wanted to have one final 'hurrah' together. I wanted to travel and backpack around the world but she had strict parents who thought that she needed to do something a bit more 'productive'. We ended up compromising and deciding to spend a year in Chile teaching English and saving up enough money to travel to South America. 

We both spent the Summer saving up on money and I spent those three months frantically learning Spanish. By the time August rolled around and I was about 2 weeks before the trip, I was proud to say my Spanish was basically at Dora level. I was good. 

A week before the trip my friend called me and told me she would not be going with me. She said she had decided to stay behind for reasons I will not go into here and basically that was it. 

I was heartbroken. Devastated. I remember that day so well because I literally fell to the floor crying. I had spent four months planning and envisioning this amazing year with my best friend. I had a one way ticket leaving in 10 days, had saved up all this money and with just one phone call my fantasy shattered. 

I had to lick my wounds quickly though. In that week, I made a new plan. I would still fly to Chile, meet up with my friends who were graciously hosting me and then backpack around South America. I would go where my heart would take me. Screw the world! I wanted and needed to spend some alone time. I felt betrayed and wanted to lose myself in some tequila and preferably in the arms of some Argentinian man and/or alpaca. 

I remember clearly leaving for my plane and my mom dropping me off. I was crying hysterically and my mom told me, "It's okay, we can go home now. You don't have to go". And I knew that I had to. I didn't know why, but I today I do know. I needed to prove to myself I could do it. I was strong. And I am. I knew that even if I flew to Chile, turned right back around and caught a flight straight back, it was okay. Because I did it. 

I made it to Chile and... I was miserable. I was confused. And I finally realized that I didn't want to be there. This wasn't my dream. My dream was to spend the year with my best friend and I wasn't doing that. So I made it less than two weeks before I threw in the towel and said, "screw it, I'm going home". Except home wasn't back in Massachusetts. Or even the United States. Home for me then was Israel. 

(Are you still reading? I'm impressed...)

I had spent a lot of time in college in Israel, even taking some time off to live on a kibbutz. All of my friends, my first love, my memories... all in Israel. It is where I came of age and it was an important place to me. So I decided to move there. The day I landed in the States, I applied for my Israeli passport and submitted my paperwork to make Aliyah, which in Hebrew means "to go up" and is the process of moving to Israel. 

I faced several hiccups. Firstly I was technically already a citizen of Israel since my father is Israeli, so I had to apply under special circumstances that would make me exempt for military service. Secondly, I struggled to find documentation and proof of my Judaism which is something that made me very bitter and resentful as I know I am Jewish and found it idiotic that I needed a piece of paper to prove it... But I digress. 

The point I am trying to make is... this whole process took awhile. 

And in the mean time, I needed a place to watch my weekly FC Barcelona matches. At this time, I was super obsessed with soccer and I wanted nothing more than to have a beer, watch my game and hate the world (I was still slightly bitter... But in the more humorous way and less sad and pitiful way). In DC, I would always watch my matches at the Spanish bars since they had the Spanish channels that broadcasted the games. 

This is what ultimately led me to walk into a Mexican restaurant in a little town called Plainville.

And because this post is already the same length as a Tolstoy novel, I will leave part 2 to be published for tomorrow. (I promise to finally get to the whole 'love story' part. But the preliminary information is important- I promise!)

Getting Out of My Own Head

I am lucky to have an amazing support system. 

I have my Mom who is my cheerleader/personal chauffeur/best friend/cookie maker/incredible person, my Papa who fixes everything for me and is always a good sounding board for advice, Pedro who is most likely the world's most patient and kind boyfriend, Moose (yes I am including him) who is the greatest listener (shut up) and most fun playmate and walking buddy, I have great friends who are always a Skype call or Facebook message away and always leave me the sweetest and most inspiring messages, my new bloggy friends who are so inspiring and magical and a great therapist who earns her $20 copay (thanks Tufts!) fifty times over. 

Yet sometimes I am my own worst enemy. I sabotage myself. And quite frankly, I make myself feel like shit. 

Where everyone else sees something admirable or beautiful, I sometimes see only flaws. When I slip up, I kick myself a thousand times over and find out days later that no one had even noticed my "failure". 

You would think this would totally make me snap out of it and start appreciating myself a bit more, right?

In theory... Maybe. But in reality? I have been having a tough time lately. 

Work has been kicking my ass a bit, I have been feeling a little extra pudgier lately, have had a bit of a decrease in energy and have been super stressed. All these factors together cause me to stress more, eat worse, drink more coffee, stay up late or wake up super early (hello 4am) and generally just be off my game. 

And I know that life is a roller coaster and there's ups and downs and whatnot and so forth and henceforth and whatever. That's cool, I get it. But lately, all I want to do is get back to more of a lazy river kind of ride. Like a nice, gentle float and not a plunging spiral. 

So I am going to dedicate May to celebrating myself a bit more. And appreciating myself. And not to dedicating myself to a low-carb diet or zumba classes three times a week and losing 18 pounds in a month because at the end of the day, I can fix all these "flaws" on my outside but still feel like crap on the inside. And my brilliant theory is to work on myself from the inside out. 

And that process starts one small step at a time. I know I am a beautiful, smart, talented, hilarious person but sometimes I get vulnerable and it's okay. Because part of loving and appreciating myself is also letting myself learn to accept the love I know I deserve. And the most important person that needs to love me is me. 

I feel like there should be a Lifetime movie and/or Shania Twain song about this post. Thoughts?

*Should I put a disclaimer that I am on my period and this post was written after I dramatically ate 2 chocolate chip muffins in under 7 minutes? I feel like that might be relevant...


I am also linking up today with Tiffany and Andrea because I need to find some more bloggy friends to stalk.